9 years. On May 22 2010 james jumped in with two feet not knowing exactly what he was getting into. We have learned and grown together, like most relationships. But having Kyle has added some bonus growth and definitely some bonus learning opportunities! 😂 But I think I can speak for both of us, it’s still the best decision we both made 9 years ago standing across from each other, saying “I do”.
On our anniversary, a few nights ago, we celebrated at our favorite little restaurant, Jacks Place. It’s small and definitely a hidden gem. It was a Wednesday so it wasn’t crowded (just the way I like it 😉)! We sat in our usual spot and had no one sitting near us! It was perfect!
We started talking and came to talk about upcoming events. I’ve been stressing about Ethan’s high school graduation. It means A babysitter for Kyle. And not for an hour or even 2 hours. It means a babysitter for at least double that if not triple. At least an hour drive there. An hour drive home and at least a couple hours at the ceremony. It starts at 4. Which means we’d need someone to come to get Kyle off the bus. Then we’d still be gone at dinner time, so fix him dinner and give him his meds. We’d still be gone at bath time (and we all know how that routine goes when someone other than myself does it 🤦🏻♀️). And then bedtime too. 😰Finding someone to do all the above is near impossible. It’s a lot, not only for the person doing it but for Kyle. Not to mention the stress and anxiety I feel the whole time I’m away.
I expressed all this to James. And said maybe it’s better if I stay home and send him with the kids. He didn’t argue. He looked at me with such compassion and love and said, “I know.” He told me how he knows ethan would understand. And I know he would too. If anyone would understand it’s ethan.
But it doesn’t take away the guilt I feel. I feel guilty that James will now have to explain to countless family members who will never fully understand our situation, that I had to stay home with Kyle. Because we can’t simply “get a babysitter”. I feel guilty that I’m making my husband go without me…again. I feel guilty that I’m missing a milestone in Ethan’s life.
As we sat across from each other and I expressed my guilt to him. He looked me in the eyes and said “No one will ever understand, me included, what a lonely life you live being Kyle’s mom.” I had to hold back tears hearing him say those words. Because, in the almost 16 years I have been Kyle’s mom, I have never felt so understood and validated.
I am lonely. Not in the sense that I don’t have friends. Or that James isn’t around. But that no one truly understands what goes into being Kyle’s mother. It’s a lonely feeling.
My husband is my biggest cheerleader (even when he isn’t saying anything). He is many times my biggest source of strength. He does whatever he can to make my life easier, whatever that may be. And always makes sure I feel loved.
Often times our burdens aren’t lifted. They are just eased slightly. Kyle will always be mine to carry. I am so grateful that my load is made lighter through James. God knew I needed him. Our life is hard. But worth it. Motherhood, for me, IS lonely, and no one will ever fully understand exactly what I go through. But if anyone comes close, it’s james. And in jacks the other night, I felt so understood.
I love him more than he will ever know. My load is lighter, because of him. ❤️