I’m crying as I type this out. Not just crying. I’m sobbing. I’m emotionally exhausted. And I wanna quit. But the problem is, that’s not an option. Which makes me cry harder.
Marie came today. I know I need to back off and let Marie take over. I feel it from her. She’s even mentioned a few times it’s easier when I’m not in Kyles view. But it’s so hard for me. I know him. So naturally I want to jump in and tell her how to do things. Which isn’t helpful in the end, she is learning and he is learning to accept the way she does things. It’s good for both of them. But as a mom it is so hard to listen to him struggle. It’s hard to listen to her struggle to get him to do things. His screams in refusal to comply are so grating on my nerves. I think today I reached my breaking point. And I broke down.
Bath time came and he made it upstairs but refused to get undressed. He screamed “noooo!” About 35x. I threatened to have Marie bathe him. I threatened to take away the iPad. I threatened to take away the tv. Nothing worked. Finally I got james to help get him into the bath. Where he cried and cried. He was mad, I was mad. It was rough.
He got out still screaming and crying and guess what he did….threw up. I immediately broke down in tears. In front of Marie. He took two more steps and threw up some more. By then I was so mad at him. I was sobbing. Poor Marie. He then needed another bath, but he decided to be an even bigger punk and sit down. At that point a rub down with a towel and soap was all we were gonna get done. We somehow got him dressed.
All he wanted was a hug from me. I knew this. But I was so upset at him. so frustrated. And emotionally drained that I couldn’t hug him. What kind of mom am I? I feel even more horrible knowing that I’m making it worse. But I couldnt do it. I was so mad at him. Mad at how hard he makes my life.
I walked downstairs, still sobbing where I said to James through my tears “I can’t do this!” My poor husband didnt know what to say. I dont even know what I needed him to say.
I was downstairs a few minutes when Marie yelled down-“I need another towel and more carpet cleaner, he threw up again!”
I don’t know how I am going to keep doing this every single day. I don’t want to. This sucks. It is so hard. Harder than I can even describe.
I go upstairs and see his pajamas that he had on less than 5 min, covered in more puke and his just washed sheets covered in vomit. I immediately felt the tears come on strong. Marie got him into the bath and bathed him for me this time, knowing I was melting down. I cleaned up the bedroom while tears streamed down my face. And walked downstairs carrying several puke filled towels and cried more.
I am strong. I know that. But I am not this strong. No one should have to be this strong.
Justin and cody walked in from being at grandmas. Justin immediately saw my tears and asked me so nicely if I was ok. I shook my head no. He immediately started doing his chores! 😂 Cody has told me he loves me about 20x.
After I tried to pull myself together I walked upstairs and tried to muster up the words “I’m so sorry I lost it” to Marie who reassured me that it happens to all of us. She was trying to hold back tears too. Today was a rough day for all of us.
Most days I am able to hold it together. Most days I smile and say I’m fine-even on hard days. Most days I suck it up. Most days I accept the cards I’ve been dealt. Most days I try to be grateful. But some days are just too hard and I break down and just sob. Today was one of them.