James had a family reunion in Utah last week. He really wanted me to go. I worked it out with Kyle’s dad to come here while we were gone Wednesday night through Sunday. That way Kyle could keep his routine of going to school and Cody would be able to spend a little extra one on one time with his dad. What a perfect plan huh?
On Thursday afternoon, we were halfway to our destination-bear lake in Utah. I got a text from Shanda. 😩 ugh.
Leaving Kyle with his dad is normal and I’m usually ok in the anxiety department. But this time it was different because mike was staying at my house. Getting Kyle ready for school. Making his lunch. Getting him on the bus. Etc. Kyle’s routine at my house is different than it is at mikes.
I left very detailed instructions. And mike reassured me several times he could handle it. And I knew he could and would. But I still had anxiety.
But I was doing really well with my anxiety almost non existent… up until that text. Then it sky rocketed! I forgot to have mike give Kyle Imodium before school. Lately his anxiety is manifesting itself in the form of diarrhea. Which is super awesome. How could I forget to tell him to give him that as a precautionary measure?!
So, I texted back and forth with Shanda who I’m sure was super frustrated-apparently he had an accident far away from the classroom then he panicked and sat down and refused to stand up. Awesome.
I was in a car hundreds of miles away feeling helpless. Completely helpless. My anxiety is through the roof! And then Shanda text saying Kyle wouldn’t be able to come to school Friday because of the diarrhea. Uhhhhh…..
So the whole reason of having mike come to my house was squashed. My plan backfired.
Mike picked him up and was super understanding of the hiccup and him not being able to go back to school the next day. But I was still super upset. I sat in the car for miles repeating to myself this is why I can’t leave. James reassured me that there was nothing I could do…but the anxiety and worry didn’t go away for miles.
People tell me all the time I need to take breaks. They tell me that I need to leave Kyle with others and not feel guilty. But seriously, this is what happens. Sure, it was taken care of and mike handled it. His teachers handled it. But me leaving caused this whole thing. Me leaving caused my son to have such horrible anxiety that gave him diarrhea. Which then caused someone else to have to clean him up. I don’t know how I’m not supposed to feel guilty. I don’t know how not to.
Being Kyle’s mom really is a long and lonely journey. One that no one truly understands. Anxiety is ugly and unfair. The fact that I have it and Kyle has it, makes it more ugly and more unfair.
We made it to the reunion. And I was able to enjoy myself for the most part. But in the back of my head was the anxiety of getting home and having Kyle adjust to me being home.
Our original plan was to leave Sunday morning and drive 13+ hours home. But then we wouldn’t get home until late. Kyle wouldn’t have anytime to adjust to me being home. He’d be asleep when we got home. I’d have to wake him up in the morning for school. I knew he’d have major anxiety with this.
So I convinced my husband to leave HIS family reunion the night before so we could split the drive up and ultimately avoid Vegas traffic and get home earlier. I’m sure he wasn’t overly happy to have to leave early. But he did it. And we were able to get home in the early afternoon. Kyle was able to adjust and spend time with me before going to bed.
He came home today from school and Janine said he had a great day. Had he not had the time to adjust to us being home, I know his day would have been different.
Autism never leaves me. Even when I leave Kyle. It’s always on my mind. Every decision I make is based on it. Vacation doesn’t mean a vacation from autism. As I write that out it makes my heart beat a little faster as the anxiety heightens. But it’s my life. It never goes away, ever.