Count your blessings..name them one by one…

This morning sucked…again. Kyle didn’t even make it out the front door. He sat on the couch and refused to stand. When I physically tried to get him up, he moved to the floor. I gave up sooner this time. I didn’t have the fight in me only to be defeated. So I waved Janine to go ahead to school and we’d meet her there. 

Once again I couldn’t control my tears. Once again my 13 year old won the fight against getting on the bus. I told Kyle to get into the car in a very stern and serious voice. He knew I was mad. As soon as he knew the bus was gone he stood up and walked to the car. I got him buckled in and slammed his door shut. 

Whitney was inside eating her breakfast, I ran upstairs to wake the boys up to come sit with their sister while I drove Kyle to school. I tried not to let them see me crying…again. But I could barely form the words to tell them I would be back in an hour. The boys shot out of bed, didn’t ask questions and were at Whitney’s side as I ran out the door. 

The whole way to the school I sobbed, not just cried. I was so mad at that stubborn boy in my back seat. Why can’t he just get on the damn bus?! Why can’t he just make my life a teeny bit easier by getting on the bus? Why? 

Most of today I have spent feeling sorry for myself. And thinking about how awful this morning went. And how I don’t want to do this anymore. And how I just want to give up. And how upset I am that God didn’t help me. Several friends have text me to check on me, and my texts back to them were all how horrible today has been and how my faith is gone and how could God not answer MY prayers?  My oldest brother called to check on me and I couldn’t even talk to him I just cried. Anytime I thought about the situation, tears would form. 

Then tonight as I sat with my kids at the dinner table (eating cafe rio cuz last night we had chic fil a, cuz I am barely functioning so cooking is out of the question-plus it’s taco Tuesday) all of them laughing, I even joined in a few times. I stopped  and started to reflect on the day and tried to think of something positive that happened today (I often do this on hard days) And when I started to think about the positive,suddenly my outlook on the day began to change. 

When I was waiting at the school this morning kyles sweet teacher who arrives early came to my car and asked Kyle if he wanted to walk in with her. The busses weren’t there yet and she didn’t have to do that. But she did. And you know what?  Kyle walked into school without me needing my brother to muscle him in!  He didn’t ride the bus this morning. BUT he walked into school without a fight. And that’s a positive.


I got home from taking taking Kyle and Ethan was on the floor playing dolls with Whitney. She loves her big brother so much. She follows him around when he’s home and when he’s gone she asks when he’ll be home.  Ethan got up off the floor to eat breakfast and of course Whitney wanted (2nd) breakfast. She picked the same cereal as him and sat with a big smile eating next to him this morning. Watching them interact is so awesome as a mom. I’m grateful for the bond she is creating with him. And that’s a positive. 


I had to go to the grocery store this morning and asked whitney if she wanted to go. Of course she wanted to stay with Ethan. So I thought I was going alone. But Cody sat up from the couch and asked if he could go (he NEVER wants to go shopping). We got into the car and I thanked him for going with me. He responded with “you’re having a hard time mom, I don’t want you to have to be alone”. Be still my heart. He and Justin have checked on me all day. Asking me if I need anything. Playing with Whitney. Texting me. I am so grateful for my boys who love and care for me and can see when their mom is hurting and try to make it better in any way they can. And that’s a positive. 


Most of the time, I try to look for the good in hard situations with Kyle. Because it’s what keeps me afloat. It’s what keeps me hopeful for tomorrow. This hard season with Kyle is definitely one of THE hardest. Its an emotional roller coaster of very few good days and a lot of really hard bad days. But I know I have to do better at picking out the blessings on those really hard bad days because that is what’s gonna get me through this really hard season.  

I am grateful tomorrow is a new day. I am grateful for my kids(even Kyle who is definitely my least fav right now 😏) because they give me reason to get up tomorrow and try again.  

Epic fail

James left last night for a business trip that has been on the calendar for weeks. Since Kyle started school, this trip has been on the back of my mind causing me anxiety (surprise surprise!).  Every day that it got closer the more anxiety I felt-especially because the mornings with Kyle have been such a struggle…with most resulting in James having to muscle Kyle to his feet and then onto the bus.  The thought of having to try and get Kyle on the bus  by myself without James’muscle was scary and seemed near impossible. I tried to give James every reason why he shouldn’t go, but I knew he had to (I even prayed that his seat would be given away, you know like all those stories recently of airlines giving people’s seats away? Yeah, well it didn’t work). So at 7:30 last night off he went to the airport, I’m sure feeling bad he was leaving me so anxiety ridden. 

Whitney started running a fever right before James left, which only added more stress! I went to bed last night feeling positive about the next day.  I prayed real hard that Kyle wouldn’t drop the the ground (once he’s on the ground-he knows I can’t physically pick him up so he won’t move…and I know I’m screwed at that point. I prayed that even if it wasn’t an easy transition that he would at least get on the bus. I had talked to the bigger boys warning them I’d need them in the morning to watch sick whitney. I had erika make me a first and then chart with a picture of the bus and a picture of grandpas truck (Kyle LOVES riding in grandpas truck so I thought that would be reinforcing-first he gets on the bus then after school he gets a ride in grandpas truck). I felt very prepared! And surprisingly not that anxious. πŸ‘πŸΌ

The morning came and it went somewhat smooth. Nothing out of the ordinary. Kyle seemed super excited about grandpas truck-which made me even more hopeful that he’d get on the bus. Whitney was still running a fever and feeling sick but she was ok laying on the couch so I didn’t wake the boys up. I sat with Kyle and did the usual routine of talking him through the steps of getting on the bus while we waited. I was getting anxious but still feeling positive. He was gonna get on that bus! I did everything I could. I prayed so hard! I had family members praying! Friends praying! We were good. 

The bus showed up and Kyle did his usual and sat for a minute and then got up and I quickly reminded him what he was working for-grandpas truck! He started to scream no! Several times then walked over to the front of the driveway and….sat on the ground. 😩 Noooooooo! This was the absolute worst thing. This was what I prayed for NOT to happen. This is what can’t happen because he knows I can’t get him up. 

I ran upstairs at quick as possible and screamed for Cody! Hoping maybe having him get on the bus would help Kyle get on there. So poor Cody half asleep stubbled outside to try to lure his big brother onto the bus, who was planted on the driveway with no intention of moving. At this point it’s been almost 10 minutes and I know Jorge is needing to leave. Janine was trying everything to get him up. To no avail.  Cody was trying everything. Nothing was working. Nothing. Janine looked at me and said I don’t think we can wait any longer. 

The 2 things that couldn’t happen today happened. Kyle dropped and refused to get up. And the bus left him. 

As the bus drove away. Kyle sitting in my driveway, the tears just started to flow. Cody put his little arms around my waste and said “I’m so sorry mom”. 

I was so mad at Kyle. I was so mad at God. I was mad that I didn’t have enough physical strength to pick my own kid up. I was mad that MY husband (who I need at home) was on a business trip and not someone else. I was mad that I have to deal with this. I was mad that my life is so hard. I was mad that I prayed and I felt like it went on deaf ears. I was mad that Kyle does this. I was mad that I was crying. I was mad that life is unfair. I was mad that things can’t be easy just for 3 days while I’m solo. I was mad that getting my son to school is still such a struggle. I was mad that as soon as the bus was out of sight Kyle got up and walked inside. 

I walked in the house sobbing. Whitney was now crying because her stomach hurt.  Kyle knew I was mad at him so he didn’t ask for his iPad and eventually went up to his room. I sat on the couch crying as I held my sick baby and feeling sorry for myself. A few minutes later my daughter started throwing up. Awesome. 

I knew that I had to get Kyle to school, otherwise he’d think that if puts up a big enough fight and the bus leaves that means he doesn’t have to go to school. So I called my mom (who thankfully lives 2 min away and willing to drop everything when I need her) to come sit with my sick baby so I could drive my son to school-knowing I was in for another fight. 

Thankfully I got Kyle into the car with no issues (I think he knew I was really mad at him). As soon as I got into the turning lane to turn left towards his school, the crying started…for both of us. Him because I think he thought he broke me and I wasn’t going to take him to school and me because I knew I was in for another long battle with him.  We pulled in and out came his teacher. 

She tried to get him to calm down with not much success. She and I talked for a few minutes…I kept my sunglasses on so she wouldn’t see my swollen wet eyes. She went back to the classroom while I sat in the car with Kyle. I silently cried and he sat silently in the back, people watching. I felt myself beginning to feel anger at him and at this situation and at God for not making this morning easier. I wasn’t able to be at home with my sick baby all because Kyle wouldn’t get on the bus! 

After a few minutes the teacher and a few other people from the classroom came out to see what they could do. Which wasn’t much. We were out there for what seemed like an eternity. Trying to talk him out of the car. Finally I got in on Whitney’s side and nudged him gently and he got out. I immediately crawled into the driver seat and drove off as quickly as possible. In my rear view mirror I could see my 14 year old stubborn son sitting on the concrete in the parking lot crying.

As I drove off, I began to sob. Why does this have to be so hard? Why can’t he just get on the bus? Why is it that no matter how consistent I am with him, he isn’t consistent? Why didnt God hear my pleas? Why? Why? Why?  

I got half way home and found myself yelling at God. In all my trials, I don’t think I’ve ever been mad at God. Today I felt angry. I felt like I needed a tender mercy and I was left on my driveway with nothing but tears and defeat. I felt like at the start of today I was running on faith and as I approached my house, after 45 minutes of fighting to get my 14 year old non verbal autistic son out of my car and into school, my faith had run dry.  Today I felt so alone. I felt defeated. And I felt angry.

Erika rearranged her schedule last week so she could be here today to lend me extra support, knowing James would be gone and it might be hard on me. She showed up and we talked about the morning and what went wrong and what I can try tomorrow. She told me how great I did today in following through even though I was frustrated and emotional. She took over Kyle the rest of the afternoon so I didn’t have to worry about him.  We came up with a plan for tomorrow so that if it’s another hard day 😏 I at least have a solid plan in place (that includes my awesome baby brother who when I asked if he would meet me at the school if I needed him to help muscle Kyle into the class, he said no problem).  As erika was leaving tonight, she was pumping me up and wishing me good luck, she said, “sometimes it takes an epic fail like today for us to realize what it is we need to do to make it better for next time”. 

I’m trying so hard not to let this “epic fail” make me quit life….but it’s really hard. Especially with all the previous fails that I thought were epic fails until today’s real epic fail. I’m trying hard not to let today affect my faith, but it’s hard. Especially when I begged and pleaded for today to go better than it did.  I’m trying to gear myself up for tomorrow, not knowing what will happen, but that is hard. I’m trying really hard to humble myself and get on my knees and pray again but that is so hard too. 

Sometimes I am grateful for the journey we are on with Kyle. I can see the lessons he teaches us so clearly. But sometimes the lessons aren’t so clear and I’m not so grateful. Some days I wish that my lessons learned in this life didn’t have to be through fragile x and autism.  Some days I wish that I had it easier. Especially when my husband is gone on a business trip for 3 days and I have to try to get my kid on a bus that he refuses to get on. 

Hoping for a better tomorrow…cuz I really need a better tomorrow. 


 
  

Best day ever!Β 

I go to bed every night, with my alarm set for 5:30am. But every morning my eyes shoot open at 4:30 without fail. And my anxiety starts. I’ve always struggled with anxiety but after having Kyle it increased (James is seriously the best for having to deal with me, seriously). People are always telling me to go see a dr, that I would probably benefit from anxiety medication. But I have anxiety about seeing a doctor. I have anxiety about becoming dependent on medication. I’m basically a big ball of anxiety (which is probably why I’m so sympathetic to Kyle-who’s anxiety is a 100x worse than mine if that’s possible) As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned how to talk myself through my anxiety. I’ve learned how to cope. I’ve had to learn to cope, having Kyle. So every morning from 4:30-5:30 am I toss and turn in my bed and talk myself into getting up and putting on my game face as I walk in to wake Kyle up. Never knowing exactly how the morning will go.  But trying to tell myself however it goes, we will get through it. Both of us will get through it. 

The last 10 days (seems like it’s been way more than 10 days) have been so hard. I never know how Kyle will react when Jorge pulls that bus up to the front of our house. Is Kyle going to stand up and walk to the bus without too much of a fight? Will he drop to the floor and refuse to stand up? Will Kyle sit on the steps of the bus and refuse to stand knowing we can’t move him? Will I give up and let him win today if he’s throwing a big enough fit? Will Jorge finally say “I’m sorry I have to go get the other kids, I’ve been here 10 min and Kyle won’t get on the bus”? Will he throw up from the anxiety? Will he scream and cry and hit himself today? Will he take his clothes off in protest this morning? These are just some of the thoughts that go through my anxiety ridden mind as he and I sit on the couch waiting for the bus; me looking out the window, Kyle playing on his iPad.

After Monday’s horrible fiasco of a morning I decided to try something that works with other transitions, saying over and over the process he will go through in hopes to ease his anxiety. I’ve found that he needs reminding of the task at hand sometimes because his anxiety takes over and he loses focus.  So as we sit and wait for the bus, I drench him in oils (😬not sure if these help but I’m trying everything. And at least he smells good πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ), and repeat over and over and over (maybe 50x) “first you’re going to walk on the bus with Janine and Jorge with your shirt on. Then you’re gonna buckle. Then you’re going to go get the other kids and see the park. Then you’re going to go to school. After school you’re going to ride the bus with Janine and come home and (I tell him something fun we will do when he gets home-grandmas, the pool, play with Cody etc).” I repeat this over and over until the bus comes. At this point my anxiety is pretty much through the roof. Because it’s go time! How is he going to do? But I have to mask my anxiety and put on my game face and in a calm tone to top it off (talk about self control! I really wanna panic but I can’t) tell him over and and over about walking onto the bus. I’m pretty much exhausted mentally every morning after he finally gets on the bus and drives away! 

Then I worry and wonder all day how he’s doing at school. Again my anxiety takes over! Is he going to have a good day today? Bad day? When the bus pulls up, he walks down the steps so happy to see me, with his signature sideways grin! I think we are both relieved we survived another day! Janine walks out after him and usually gives me a rundown of the day. Its been a mix of, he struggled part of the day but the other part he did ok. She always leaves by saying he will get there! Which I’m always so grateful for her positivity. It keeps me going. 

The last couple days have been ok days in the morning after I’ve started this new process. It is no where near him willingly walking on the bus but it’s better. I still have no idea how tomorrow will go or next week…which doesn’t help my anxiety 😏!  But I’m beginning to regain my hope. 

Today Kyle got off the bus and Janine followed as usual with a big grin! The first words out of her mouth were, “best day ever!” I felt myself get a little emotional as she talked about how great of a day he had! She told me how he put his head on her shoulder today and she just melted! They are starting to see my boy and starting to love him. This was the best thing to hear as Kyles mom. This means he is starting to trust them and he is feeling more comfortable with them and less anxious! He doesn’t show affection to many-so this is huge! 

Good days like today don’t take away how hard everyday is with Kyle. But it makes it a little easier to wake up and face the hard again tomorrow morning. 

Today as my cup begins to refill with a little bit of hope,  I hope that as the days go on we have more “best day evers”! And I HOPE my anxiety lessens because waking up at 4:30am is killin’ me! 

Seasons

Kyle goes through “seasons” of really hard and “seasons” of really good.  And it’s constantly changing. It’s usually when I think things are going great, when I think we have his medication combo perfect, when I think his anxiety is manageable, or when his behaviors seem to be at bay….he throws me a curve ball.  And the “season” changes. Sometimes I know why and sometimes I don’t. 

Right before this last school year ended he was doing awesome. I was confident with Erika transitioning out and me going into summer with not much support. I knew that starting high school was a big change but I was confident in my knowledge of how to approach the change with Kyle. I was confident that I would be able to power through the change. I prepared as best as I could and went in full of hope. Maybe I was too hopeful. 

Every morning I wake up with hope  that the morning will run smoothly. And every morning it is hard, but we make it through…barely. This morning was really hard, hard like that first day of school hard, I wasn’t sure we were going to make it. I was ready to say forget it again. I was ready to throw in the towel. If it wasn’t for the bus aide Janine who encouraged me to keep trying, I would have said forget the bus. Finally after 15 min (worse than the first day) we got him on the bus still screaming and shirtless. As the bus finally pulled away, I felt the hope leaving me just about the same time the tears started to flow. 

I began summer with my cup full of patience, hope, energy, positivity, and a teeny bit of excitement for the changes. My cup empties out a little bit more every day. Not only are school days hard but weekends seem to be even harder. With no end in sight. After this morning I feel like my cup spilled its last drop. I feel like I am running on empty. 

I have tried everything to relieve Kyle of the anxiety he is experiencing. Pictures of the tasks he has to do so he knows what to expect. He smells like a bottle of essential oil from all the oils I drench him in-I even purchased a teeny bottle people raved about for anxiety costing me $135 😬. I’ve tried doing joint therapy. I’ve tried bribery! All of this to no avail. Everyday is still hard. Hard on him. Hard on me. Emotionally I feel exhausted. I feel sad for him but at the same time I can’t help but feel so frustrated when he is screaming and crying and refusing to stand up to get on the bus. Every. Single. Day. Why can’t he just get on the bus?!

I’m trying to tell myself that things will get better with time. That this “season” will end. And that I will be stronger for it (ha.ha.) That there is purpose and some sort of lesson to be learned in this. I’m trying to remain hopeful. But I’m starting to doubt all of it. I know that things could be worse but I also know things could be better. Why can’t I have better? I just want a break. A break from hard. 


Prayers are welcome for me and this guy! πŸ‘†πŸ»we could use ’em. πŸ’™

Pray…He is there.

Yesterday was probably one of the hardest days with Kyle.  Not because he puked. Not because he cried a lot. Not because he took his shirt of and wouldn’t let me put it back on. I would take all of that a million times over what I felt yesterday.  I felt helpless. I felt scared. I felt anxious. I felt weak. I felt sad.  I felt like I’d failed Kyle. 

Last night I finally got up out of my bed and washed my swollen face that had mascara smeared across it from all my tears, around 8:30. I was still crying as I washed my face. I couldn’t stop the pain I was feeling. I walked downstairs to a dark living room and sat on the couch and just prayed. I begged that I would have the strength to do this again tomorrow. I prayed that Kyle would be less anxious. I prayed that I would know how to comfort my poor boy. I prayed that things tomorrow would be easier for Kyle. I didn’t sleep much. But every time I woke up-pretty much every hour. I found myself praying. Please let tomorrow be easier for Kyle. Please give him the comfort he desperately needs. Please make it easier on him. I even remember at one point  asking if it was at all possible to let me take on extra anxiety if that meant he would be free from it. 

5:30 finally rolled around, it was a long night for me. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. But I woke up and kept telling myself I needed to stay strong for Kyle. I got dressed and walked into his room to wake him up not sure exactly how this would go. I opened his curtains like I normally do, and laid next to him and put my arm around him. I felt myself beginning to cry. I pulled it together and told him it was time to get up. He woke up and we had our normal back and forth conversation…he tells me “eat”and I tell him ok he has to go downstairs. So on and so forth. He didn’t seem like he did last night. He seemed much calmer. Keeping the normal routine was what I kept feeling I was supposed to do. 

He came down and we did the normal morning routine. He didn’t protest. Not even once. He was better than on a normal day! I found myself praying every step of the way. Please let him be ok. Please don’t let me cry if he isn’t ok. Please help me to be strong. 

As he always does after breakfast he walked over to his drawer, that has his pictures and some toys, and pulled out the bus picture and the picture of his new teachers. I didn’t want to acknowledge it…I was scared it would make him anxious or cause him to start a meltdown! But he didn’t. He pointed at all the teachers and I named them and he smiled. Then he pointed at the bus and smiled. I was shocked. 

After he was dressed, we walked over to the window and waited. We talked about the bus. Whitney was awake now so she was talking to him about school and the bus! He was excited and didn’t seem to be upset at all. The bus pulled up at 6:21 and Kyle skipped out to the bus ahead of me with his sideways grin! He was at the bus doors before they opened! The bus driver opened the doors and he was on the bus and in his seat before his bus aide had walked to the bus from her car! He let the bus driver buckle him in while I talked to Janine. He waved goodbye and the bus was off in less than 2 min from the time he hopped out our front door. 

I turned around and let out a sigh of relief and high fived James at the front door, that he didn’t even have to come out of! This was truly a miracle. I was on the verge of tears the entire morning and felt that if anything went south I was going to breakdown. But nothing went south. Nothing.

My prayers were heard. Every single one of them. Friends had text after I posted last night, saying they were praying for us. Those were heard too. Prayer is something I rely on daily to get me through my days. But last night, I was begging and pleading. And He heard. He knew I needed a tender mercy. And this morning was just that, a tender mercy. I am so grateful. 

Kyles teacher called me at the end of the day to let me know how the day went (how amazing and lucky to have a teacher who will do this? I’m telling you, special ed teachers are truly remarkable people). She said the morning was great but the afternoon was a little rough. He threw up. All over her! She laughed about it (bless her)! This was hard to hear but I was able to get through the conversation without crying! Another tender mercy. 

 I know that this is all part of Kyle getting used to a new routine with new people. I know that things will get better with time. I know that there will probably be more bad days in the near future.  But I also know that Kyle and I can do this….even though it’s so hard.  I know that my prayers are heard. And I know that I am given tender mercies as a way of telling me He’s listening. And I am so grateful.

The dreaded day…1st day of high school

I’m writing this as I lay in my bed my eyes wet, and my heart physically aching. Today was rough. I knew it would be hard. I prepared myself for it, I thought I did. I went into today with a positive but realistic attitude.  But like everything with Kyle…even with all the preparation in the world, it’s still hard. And my mama heart is hurting. 

I went to bed last night full of anxiety mixed in with a little excitement. I had Kyle’s lunch packed. A note to his teacher all ready to go. The pictures of the bus and the new teachers out and ready to prep Kyle. I didn’t sleep much knowing the morning would be rough. But I was ready to power through it! 

I woke Kyle up bright and early at 5:30! He wasn’t excited but didn’t protest. We went through the normal morning routine and he didn’t put up any more of a fight than usual. After he was dressed and ready to go, we sat on the couch looking out the window waiting and talking about the bus. He nervously laughed and seemed to be ok. He even signed “please” when I mentioned the bus! I tried to hide my nervousness the best I could do so Kyle wouldn’t feed off my emotions-which he often does! I did a dang good job! 

The bus arrived right on time-6:21. James and I walked Kyle out who immediately ran to the back of the bus and into the street! πŸ™ˆ James corralled him back to the bus doors where I was meeting his bus aide, Janine. She is a lady around my moms age who was extremely nice which gave me comfort! The bus driver, Jorge had a big smile and “hi” to greet his new student who was less than enthusiastic about getting on that big bus (which was empty-Kyle was the first pick up). We somehow got Kyle up and in, where he took his shirt off and threw it out of the bus. πŸ™„ It took several attempts and bribery of candy to get it back on. Then came the seatbelt-everytime we buckled it, he unbuckled it. Once again bribery came into play along with Janine having to hold onto his hands.

As we struggled through getting Kyle settled I was talking him through all the steps and reassuring him he was fine. He motioned for my hand and for me to sit next to him several times. My heart broke every time. The look of panic in his eyes was almost enough for me to say, “Forget it! Come back inside! You never have to go to school!” But I know I can’t do that. And I was being so strong! So when he was calm enough I walked out of the bus. He began to cry and the bus drove off. It was so hard. So hard. 

I got back in and was able to keep it together. I paced back and forth in my house thinking about my baby boy who’s world has been rocked again and was scared and anxious. All I wanted do was make it stop for him. But I can’t do that. 

Kyles sweet teacher text me updates throughout the day that he was doing fine. She sent me a picture even! I have a friend who also works in a different classroom that sent me a picture too and sweet reassuring texts throughout the day. As the day progressed, I was feeling much better! I even thought wow! That wasnt horrible! He didn’t even throw up! I was excited and looked forward to seeing him get off the bus with his cute sideways grin! 

At 2:00, whitney and I were out front to greet Kyle and the bus! He was so excited to see us, and hopped out of the bus and ran inside to get his iPad! I talked with the bus aide, Janine for a few minutes outside. She said the bus ride to school was rough but not awful. She said he had a few hiccups at school but overall a good day. She reassured me that things would get better when he got to know them. I agreed and we said our good byes. 

Kyle was happily on his iPad and asked to eat (normal-he eats a snack after school). He ate his snack and drank some juice. I was on cloud nine! Thinking today was hard and tomorrow might be a little harder but this was do-able for sure! 

About 3:30, Kyle started crying upstairs and spitting a lot. Which is code for he’s gonna puke. He wandered downstairs still whining  πŸ˜© I asked him if he needed to throw up and he immediately went to the sink and vomited. This was not extremely unusual…except he didn’t have anything to be anxious about. He was upstairs. No one was here. It was fairly quiet. My mind started thinking, is he sick? Did he get heat exhaustion on the bus? What the heck. 

This went on for the better part of an hour. I began to realize he was having an anxiety attack. Nothing I did would calm him down. He began to pace. He started looking out the window and saying bye (I’m assuming to the bus). He kept throwing up. He asked for a bath where he still threw up. His anxiety was almost palpable.  At this point I started to cry. I couldn’t help my son. I can usually calm him down. I can usually talk him down from throwing up in an anxiety ridden situation. I can usually fix things when it comes to Kyle. I couldn’t fix this. I felt helpless. 

After the bath I got him dressed in shorts,  closed his curtains so it was dark and we both laid on his bed. He watched the Bee movie while I silently sobbed. I tried to comfort him by rubbing his arm like I usually do as I sniffled, but he clearly wasn’t relaxing. My mom was dropping Cody off and came up and saw my swollen eyes and told me she’d take over. Thankfully Kyle liked that idea and snuggled up to grandma. 

I walked into my room and crawled into my bed and continued to cry.  And that leads us to right now. As I lay here I am sad. Sad that I can’t make Kyle not hurt. I’m sad that I can’t make kyles life easier. I’m sad that in order for Kyle to get used to this new school he has to continue to go which means he has to continue to suffer. I am sad that he can’t catch a break and everything is so much harder for him. I’m sad that I can’t take the anxiety of new situations away. I’m so sad that my baby boy is suffering. If I could go through it all for him I would in a heart beat. 

There are many times that I’m ok with how “unfair” things are for Kyle. For me. Today is really hard to be ok with how unfair it is for us. I just want to make the pain go away for both of us. But I know I can’t do that. So instead, I’m gonna go somewhere quiet and pray hard, harder than I have before,  that the pain will lessen and that Kyle and I will have the strength to do this again tomorrow. I have to be hopeful, right? 

I’m dreaming of a white sandy beach vacation….

​​This is pretty much what everyday looks and sounds like in the summer for one reason or another and it’s usually more than once a day, today’s adventure (I’m choosing to call it that even though adventures are supposed to be fun-at least in my mind-and this isn’t fun 😳)…Kyle has discovered our neighbor has an above ground pool (from standing on our upstairs balcony and peering into their yard-he’s so nosey! πŸ˜‚) and has become obsessed with wanting to go over there. This isn’t possible for several reasons. But he doesn’t care to hear any of the reasons. So this meltdown πŸ‘†πŸ»started because he pulled out his swimsuit and pointed next door to tell me he wanted to go in their pool.  When he was told no he immediately started into meltdown mode, which was small but escalated quickly when he realized his iPad ran out of battery (this is like THE worst thing that could possibly happen). I closed his door, after handing him the back up iPad (which is not his preferred-who knows why, they both do the same thing πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ) to hopefully let him calm himself down-only to open his door a few minutes later to find he peed himself in protest 😩. Awesome. But at least it wasn’t puke. So into the bathroom we went to get him cleaned up,  where he stripped down naked and flopped to the floor and refused to get up.  He cried and hit himself several times. Finally after a good 5 minutes of me telling him over and over to get up (trying really hard not to lose my patience cuz then he will never stand up) he stood up and walked into his room, still crying. He protested the whole time while I struggled to get him wiped down and dressed in clean clothes (trying to dress a 130+pound 13 year old who is NOT helping is not my favorite)! After 10 minutes, I’m sweating and he’s still pissed cuz he wants the iPad that isn’t charged. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

Seriously, this happens multiple times a day in the summer and for all different reasons! πŸ‘ŽπŸΌ And sometimes he doesn’t even know why he’s melting down so there is no solution-which is definitely the most frustrating for both of us!  I know I have voiced several times my fear and anxiety about Kyle starting high school but I’m becoming more excited and relieved that summer school starts for him in 3 short days! He needs a school routine back, and I need a break (or a vacation)! I sure hope we both make it til then! 🀞🏼😬 Have I told you I hate summer?! 😬