I’m not sure when it started or how it started or why but I am the most guilt ridden person. Ever. I feel guilty even when I KNOW it’s completely unwarranted. It’s like I can’t help it.
In the last few years I have worked on getting rid of the guilt I carry. Mostly when it comes to Kyle. I have worked on making me time a priority and convincing myself it’s something I need therefore I can’t feel guilty. And I shouldn’t.
I still suck and feel guilty most of the time. It’s not anyone else-it’s all me. And I don’t even know why. I guess it’s the way my brain works. I feel like Kyle is my “burden” (I hate that word in reference to him but for lack of a better word) and when I place that on someone else I feel guilt. I know how difficult he is and asking someone to take him on is hard for me to handle without feeling some sort of guilt.
I understand it’s necessary. For so many reasons. Not just for me. But Kyle too. He needs to be ok With being taken care of by someone that isn’t me. I know this. So why the heck do I still feel guilty? No idea. Maybe I need therapy? 🤷🏻♀️
Along with me time, I know taking time away with just james and I is crucial. Crucial for our relationship. We have so much stress every single day having Kyle. And Kyle takes a lot from me. But James is so good at telling me “it’s time” to get away. He knows my guilt and anxiety can get in the way but he doesn’t let that stop him from planning something.
After a long and super hard couple of months we decided we need some time away just the two of us. This time we were only able to take off for one night-But it was so nice to get away. The guilt and the anxiety are always temporary but the alone time away for James and I is so critical to having a healthy marriage. I have to keep reminding myself this every time a trip gets planned and my guilt and anxiety creep in…but each time it gets a little easier.
Getting away and letting someone else carry my load is ok. In fact it’s necessary for me. It’s how I am able to function. It’s how i refuel and get strength. I shouldn’t feel guilty or anxious. This is one of my goals this year is to shed my guilt. And allow people to help me. 😬 wish me luck.