Good night kyle

March 4th 2019

Twenty five minutes (at least) of this every night…but add in hair pulling and a lot of playing with my face. I try to think of how sweet it is and how it’s his version of snuggling. ๐ŸคจBut most nights it’s hard to enjoy my hair being pulled out and my face being touched over and over.

This is my life

I feel like right when I think things are starting to get easier, I’m instantly reminded that this is my life forever and it will never be easy. And It sucks.

Kyle spent the weekend at his dads. Not long enough for me to catch my breath even. Not long enough for me to regain the strength to keep going. Ugh. I hate this. I hate feeling like this. HATE IT.

When things get this hard, my mind wanders to a year from now or two years then ten years, and I start to cry and can’t breathe. This. Is. My. Life. Forever. It’s not fair.

We celebrated Ethan’s birthday tonight. And I’m upstairs laying next to Kyle crying. Crying because I feel this weight on my shoulders that doesn’t seem to get lighter-in fact it is heavier. He got mad because his iPad won’t connect to the internet. I think his iPad is old and probably been thrown one too many times, so it’s calling it quits. But the problem is he refuses to use the brand new iPad downstairs. He knows the difference. So I fought with him to get his pajamas on and into bed. Now I’m exhausted. Mostly mentally exhausted. And guess what, I get to wake up tomorrow at 5 am and fight more.

This is my life.

He’s been at his dads for a couple of days. Why am I not rested? Why am I not refueled? Why do I feel defeated already and he’s been home all of 3 hours? He doesn’t go back to his dads for another month. I have to do this for another month with no break. Cue more tears. With spring break mixed in. Cue even more tears.

This is my life.

I can usually power through Kyle’s everyday struggles. But my mental strength these days is at empty. I feel like I never get past a quarter tank before Kyle drains me again. And then the cycle continues.

This is my life. And it sucks right now.

First shave

2-24-19

As kyle has gotten older the harder emotionally it has become for me. I see my son growing into a man physically but mentally he is still so young. It’s so hard to watch happen.

For the last couple months, Kyle has started growing facial hair. ๐Ÿ˜ณI know. I feel the same way. I’ve been putting off the shaving attempts knowing it would probably be difficult for Kyle to handle, and plus it meant Kyle was one step closer to manhood.

Tonight was the night though. The hairs on his chin were getting out of hand and his “chops” were lookin long! I was feeling brave and Kyle has “prom” the first week of March, so he’s gotta look sharp!๐Ÿ˜‰ so we went for it! At the kitchen counter cuz where else do you shave for the first time?!

He actually did pretty awesome! And how sweet is James shaving him? ๐Ÿ˜ญ Kyle spit a lot, made the puke face several times but didn’t puke, and swatted at us the whole time but overall he did pretty good! I can guess the sensory overload he felt was pretty high. A buzzing, vibrating thing going over your face! He wanted a car ride at the end so we promised he’d get it if he made it to the end! Anything if he let us get to the end! And he did!

As soon as the razor was off he bolted out the front door and headed to the car. He made it to the grass….puke. Then to the back of the car…more puke….the whole time I’m trying to talk him through it, telling him he’s ok….then I opened my car door only to close it just in time for…more puke all over the side of my car. Now he’s crying. He walked back to the grass and throws up one last time…just as two nice older ladies were enjoying a nice evening stroll. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™€๏ธ He’s crying, I’m standing there not knowing where to start and James is gagging.

By the grace of God Kyle stood up by himself (Cuz there was no way james could help get him up and not throw up himself at this point) and walked in crying. Up to the bath he went. At this point we all felt defeated, Kyle included.

Why did he throw up? I’m guessing the sensory overload was way too much? Going forward I know that we will probably have to desensitize him to the shaving process. Break it up into steps…everyday add a little bit more until we can shave his entire face in one sitting. Always a process.

It’s crazy that this is my life. It’s crazy that this happened. Cody and James hosed the puke fest off, and then life just…went on. No one blinks an eye. This is our life. Just another day in the life.

I don’t even know how to end this post. Other than….This sucks. And why does he have to grow into a man? It’s not fair for him, or me. I wish that things weren’t as hard for him…or me! But at least he will look great for prom! ๐Ÿ˜‰

February 22 2019

One week! One whole week Kyle got onto the bus with minimal issues! I’m still shocked. It rained and even snowed a couple of the days and he still GOT ON THE BUS.

I’d like to think this means the bus routine is no longer going to be an issue….but I’m a realist and I know, that is probably not the case. I know there will no doubt be hard days and even weeks ahead with the bus. BUT I’ve learned to celebrate the victories anyway. Whether it’s a day or a week filled with successes. These wins give me a little more strength that is stored up and used in the bad days and weeks!

So I’m going out to celebrate this whole week of wins by eating delicious Mexican food! I deserve it!

Food shields

Feb 21 ’19

We sat down to eat dinner…spaghetti…I know! I know! But this time I waited til Kyle was upstairs and then handed all the kids paper towels, not for napkins ๐Ÿ˜‚ but to cover their plate! Just in case Kyle walked back down stairs. Genius is you ask me!

I watched my kids eat and laugh but I did have to laugh at the situation! My kids were eating with half their plate covered because everyone was so paranoid!

Our life isn’t like most. But that’s ok. Having a sense of humor is key most days…and being proactive like having a food shield definitely helps!

As soon as i said i wanna take a picture the teenage boys were of course uncooperative but it still makes me laugh. ๐Ÿ˜‚ my kids are great sports and I love them so much!

Run!

Feb 18 2019

It was a 3 day weekend. My favorite. That was sarcasm in case you couldn’t tell. It was long. Not that Kyle was abnormally hard, the days just seem really long lately.

I woke up this morning already dreading the day. I’ve been trying to lose some weight and the scale has been stuck. So this morning when it was stuck on the same number it has for the last week I was even more annoyed. Then I walked downstairs and ate a cookie…and then another…and then another freaking cookie. What the crap Katie?! No self control.

I immediately text james to complain about my zero weight loss and ridiculous cookie eating rampage. He told me I should go for a run-it would make me feel better. Right away, I thought of 27 excuses why I couldn’t go. The number one- Kyle was home today. How was I going to go for a run?!

After texting james back all my excuses I realized how dumb I was being. Its Monday the beginning of a new week. My goal from the beginning of the year was to run 3x a week. The 3 days whit is in prek. Has that happened? Nope. Something has come up every week. Like legit things most of the time. But sometimes I just say nope it’s cold I’m not going. Today was as good as any to start.

So I put my running clothes on. Got my headphones in. Looked at cody and said “I’m going for a run, you’re in charge!” He didn’t hesitate and said ok! I gave Kyle a bag of chips and crossed my fingers! Out the door I went!

I ran 2 miles, was slower than ever and my lungs burned from the cold-but I did it! And it felt so good! Like so good! I needed that run, not just physically but mentally. And guess what? Kyle was fine with Cody. Didn’t cry. All was well when I walked through the door 20 minutes later!

Then I had to go pick Justin up from his moms…normally I’d load Kyle and Whitney in the car for the half hour drive there and hour back. With Kyle anxious in the back if we had to wait a few minutes for them to get there. Then heaven forbid I have any conversation with Justin’s mom! So I decided I was going to have Cody watch Kyle again. And guess what? They were fine. Cody did great with him!

It was so liberating and I felt a teeny bit of freedom knowing I could leave Kyle with Cody for short bits of time and it’s ok. It’s ok. I was reminded today how important it is for my mental well being to take “me time”. And it’s ok. I was reminded how important it is to make it a priority. The rest of my day was so much smoother because I took that 20 minute run. I had more patience after I was able to go pick Justin up BY MYSELF.

Sometimes I think I don’t deserve-and maybe that’s the wrong word but-to take “me time” daily. That I shouldn’t need “me time” daily. Well I do deserve it and I do need it in order to be the best mom to Kyle. And it’s ok.

Monday, Wednesday, Friday runs are going to be a priority.

Debbie downer-thatโ€™s me

Guess what sucked? This morning. This morning sucked. It’s starting to get really hard to look at the positives. Like really hard.

Getting on the bus is pretty good. He isn’t perfect, but he isn’t crying and dropping to the ground. The video of Fonda and reminding him that I will keep his iPad at home if he doesn’t get on, usually works So what am I complaining about?

With anxiety comes a need to have control. And since he has caved with the bus, he needs to gain control somewhere. Well, it’s now from the moment he wakes up. He refuses to do anything. Let me rephrase that-he protests. And he is so strong that it is difficult (impossible for me) to physically make him get dressed, go to the bathroom, put his shoes on, and take his medicine. Every morning is a struggle. And every morning he has gotten a little more defiant. And his protest a little louder and more robust.

He no longer gets the iPad or tv….unless he has gone to the bathroom and is fully dressed and taken meds. Does this make him do it without a fight? Nope. He still fights me. Almost more so because he knows he isn’t getting what he wants. Every morning. I’m tired of fighting. Emotionally I feel so beat up. Not to mention the physical scratches on my hands or the handful of hair he pulls out in my attempts at getting him dressed. When James steps in it almost always makes Kyle push back harder. I’d say for the most part it makes it worse, if that’s even possible. And I’m pretty sure it is.

This morning, as I stood over him, trying to make him put on a long sleeve shirt (it’s 25 degrees outside currently) for the 5th time I stopped and my eyes filled up with tears. Tears of frustration. Tears of defeat. Tears of anger. Tears of sadness. I hate this. I hate that my life has to be hard. Why can’t I have a life that teaches me lessons in an easier manner? Why can’t he just be easier? Why?

I want to think that we are out of the hard season. I want to think that the night away with James was enough to refuel me for another couple months. I want to think that things are getting easier. I want to think I am grateful for this life I live. BUT, it’s still hard. The night away with James wasn’t long enough. Things aren’t getting easier. And I’m not feeling grateful.

If I’m being real and raw….yesterday sucked cuz there was no school. Today sucked. And I’m almost willing to bet tomorrow will suck too. And guess what? He has no school next Monday-so that day will no doubt suck.

I feel like I’m still drowning. Or climbing up a mountain that has no top…it just keeps going. And I’m tired. It’s 6:30 am I’ve been trying to hide my tears but I’m gonna go crack open a Diet Coke and pull myself together.