Twenty one (three) days

It’s only day two of Kyles 3 week winter break from school. Yup 3 weeks. That’s 21 days (23 if u count this weekend too, which I am). Almost a month. Basically an eternity. He’s already antsy. He’s already made me want to run away too many times to count. And I still have 21 more days. Twenty-one.

I know I’ll survive, I always do. I don’t really have a choice. But sometimes I get overwhelmed and I start to feel myself slip into a pity party.

I start to think of all the meltdowns and all the times he will ask to eat even though he’s not hungry. Or all the times he will pace my house and his anxiety will spill onto me and cause my anxiety to spike. I start to think about the long days at home and the errands I can’t run. The videos he plays on his iPad over and over and over on full volume of course. Or the amount of shirts he will throw over into the neighbors back yard and cry cuz he wants it back-why does he do this…well I’m still not sure why he does that but I know it’ll happen more than once during these 21 days! When I think of this I start to feel sorry for myself. I start to feel sad.

It’s a slippery slope though. Feeling sorry for myself and wishing my circumstances were different. It’s not a fun place to be. I hate feeling like that. I hate feeling sorry for myself. It’s a crappy place to be. It’s not a place I like to stay for very long. Life seems harder when I’m there.

I’m laying by Kyle right now and he is breathing heavy in my ear as he slips into sleep. I do a lot of my thinking and reflecting about the day when I’m laying next to him at night. As I read my above thoughts and listen to Kyle breathe I’m quickly realizing how I need to stop. Stop feeling sorry for myself. Stop feeling sad. I need to snap out of my funk.

I don’t know why God made me Kyle’s mom and you better believe I plan on asking Him as soon as I get up there! But He did and I do know I will survive these 3 weeks, cuz I always do. He always provides some sort of way. I definitely don’t do it alone! The next 21 days will probably be long and some will be harder than others. But I am going to make an effort to embrace it and pray super hard for patience and love Everyday so when the shirt goes flyin over the fence or Kyle asks for chips 10 minutes after he eats lunch and has had 31 snacks I don’t go too crazy!

3 weeks. I got this. I can do it.

I will be writing this on several post it notes and placing them all over my house! πŸ˜€

What’s for dinner?

Tonight I made spaghetti. To most people that doesn’t mean much other than yum. To me that meant extra laundry. Mopping my floor. And cleaning my shoes.

Kyle has always had a sensitive gag reflex. Hence the excessive puking he does. He has also always had sensory issues. Certain textures cause him to immediately gag. Even just looking at certain things trigger the ol’ gag reflex on kyle. It’s super awesome.

Play dough and…you guessed it SPAGHETTI have always been big triggers for him. So I try hard to have him not around for either. Whitney knows she isn’t allowed to play with play dough when Kyle is home and my kids know to hide their spaghetti if Kyle comes downstairs before dinner is over. My poor kids. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

Tonight I wasn’t paying attention when he walked downstairs and Justin was still eating. Justin obviously wasn’t either. Kyle took one look at that spaghetti and the puke face quickly turned into gagging which then turned into full on puking. On my shoes. On my floor. All over him. Then he quickly stripped and walked upstairs in his undies. I looked at the mess and wanted to cry. Cleaning up throw up has to be the worst thing ever. And you would think I’m used to it by now. But it still sucks every time. After I used an entire roll of paper towels slopping it up, I mopped up the floor. I walked upstairs where Kyle pointed at his bed where I found…more throw up. 😩 how does one throw up this much over just looking at spaghetti?!

I had to strip his sheets, mattress cover, all three blankets AND his weighted blanket (which is super annoying to wash btw). All were covered in puke. Like, a lot of puke.

It’s Monday night at 6:27 and I’m exhausted and ready to tap out for the week. Did I mention he was a punk this morning?

I’m gonna end this post by listing 3 positive things that happened today. Cuz right now all I can think of is how I don’t want to wake up at 5:20 tomorrow morning and do life. 😏

1. I got to spend the morning with one of my favorite people, Johanna. We made cookies and chatted! I love my time with her. She always makes me smile and I’m guaranteed a good laugh! Positive!

2. I found a bunch of stuff on amazon for Kyle for Christmas-he’s the worlds hardest kid to shop for! And I think I’m done shopping for him now! Positive!

3. Whitney loves this song we found on YouTube called peace in Christ and she sings it in the car and knows all the words to the chorus. Her and her little friend Mckenzie sang it on the way to prek this am. It may have been the sweetest thing ever listening to their little voices, I had to hold back the tears. Good tears. Positive! The chorus goes like this:

He gives us hope

When hope is gone

He gives us strength

When we can’t go on

He gives us shelter

In the storms of life

When there’s no peace on earth There is peace in Christ

I’m gonna go listen to that song now. ❀️ And get up tomorrow and have a good day!


Last week Kyle had the best week ever! Every single morning Kyle was good-on Thursday AND Friday he even walked on the bus with NO help from James! πŸ‘Every single day Janine walked off the bus with a smile saying how great Kyles day was! πŸ˜ƒ

This week. And it’s only Tuesday. Not so great😏. Yesterday was rough getting on the bus. It’s the first time in a while james has had to muscle kyle into his seat. And Janine walked off the bus yesterday saying in her sweet Janine voice, “well, last week was definitely better” followed up by a positive “but he’s just testing us!” She’s always so nice about it! πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

This morning was one of his worst (I feel like i say that a lot) getting on the bus days. By far. He started out mad. Why? No idea. I have some guesses. But that’s all it is. I had what seemed to be everything he requires to get on the bus. His iPad. His backpack. A piece of candy. And his giant blanket he insists on bringing every morning. So why he was so upset, only Kyle knows.

James struggled several times to get Kyle on the bus, while Kyle screamed as if someone was trying to sever a finger of his. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈ All this at 6am. I’m sure my neighbors loved it. 😩 i stood in the bus praying Kyle would just get on and that James wouldn’t hurt himself! Every-time James tried, Kyle would get more upset. It was going on 10 minutes of full blown meltdown mode. Kyle was sitting on the ground in front of the bus (still crying)and Janine asked the super awesome bus driver, Sue, if she could leave and pick up a few students and come back around and try again after Kyle was settled down. Sue, thankfully, didn’t even hesitate! πŸ™πŸ»

The bus drove off with all of Kyles stuff and Janine! James picked Kyle up and guided him back into the house-all while Kyle was still screaming. Screaming really loud. Once Kyle was back inside, it only took maybe a minute and Kyle was calm again.

We sat in silence. I think we all felt a little defeated. After a few minutes I talked myself into starting over. I started to prime Kyle for when the bus would come back. I told him over and over and over, “when the bus comes back you need to get on the bus nicely.”I said this probably 50 times. He listened intensely. I know he was really trying to process what i was saying. He sat on the couch near the window and waited quietly for the bus.

The bus showed up about 10 minutes later for round two. I crossed my fingers and prayed hard. Low and behold Kyle walked out to the bus and up the stairs all on his own! James stood at the door with Gooding. It took 5 minutes and a lot of “you can do it” and “keep going” and ” first sit in your seat then you can get your candy”! But he did it. He got on the bus and sat in his seat. No screaming. No fighting.

Today I was once again reminded that people are placed in Kyles life not by chance. God loves me and he knows my life is hard. He places people in my life to help ease my burdens. Sue, the bus driver is most definitely supposed to be Kyle’s driver. Not all bus drivers are patient and kind and willing to go above and beyond- like come back for round two after sitting in front of my house for over 10 minutes the first time! Janine is most definitely supposed to be Kyle’s bus aide. She knows Kyle so well that she knew he had reached his meltdown point of no return. I’m grateful she spoke up. And Kyle was able to get on the bus successfully in the end. She knew he just needed a redo.

In moments like this morning when I want to quit. When I want to throw in the towel. When I am so frustrated with not knowing why some days are easier than others with the bus. When my patience is thin. When I feel defeated. Kyle reminds me (in his own special way) that sometimes all I need is a moment to regroup and start over. A redo. A moment to recognize my blessings amidst the trial. I can do this! ❀️

Small and simple things…aren’t really small and simple.

Kyle has had a rough start this school year. I’m sure it’s been a combination of a thousand different things. And it’s a guessing game when it comes to what those things are. 😝 it’s been a bit discouraging and definitely emotionally draining to hope Janine walks off the bus saying something other than it wasn’t a good day.

To top it off a couple weeks ago I got an email from Kyle’s teacher saying he’s been “stripping” at school! πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈ just the email every mom wants to receive, right?! He does this when he’s anxious (Cuz that’s an appropriate response when anxious 😩) It’s usually a quick pants down and then back up but none the less not the best thing to do in front of a bunch of high school students! She was so sweet about her concern for, first and foremost, his dignity. But also for those other students that get the honor of witnessing it! πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

She suggested we start putting him in some sort of leotard, that way if he did pull his pants down or tore his shirt off nothing would be exposed. And start putting him in shorts that weren’t as easy to take off and add a belt. The only concern I had was taking his independence away in the restroom (now he’d need a lot of help getting all the layers off). But I agreed to the change! Cuz obviously something needed to happen!

I hopped on amazon and ordered wresting singlets and a bunch of new shorts and a belt! And last week we started Kyles new and improved wardrobe! I was expecting a huge fight with this change. But thankfully he didn’t put up too much of a fight! It added a few more minutes to the morning routine and the bathroom experience is super annoying and long but we will adapt!

The first day he wore the singlet and new shorts, shanda text saying he did really well! And guess what….NO STRIPPING! She said she even thinks he liked the compression, she thought he was getting some sensory needs Mets with it! Bonus!

Then, all week long, Janine got off the bus and said “great day!” Every day last week! He was good every single day! On Friday night I got the best text ever:

After a long month of discouragement to get a text like this gives me the boost I have desperately needed. The boost to keep trying new things with Kyle. The boost to not give up. The boost to never stop expecting progress from Kyle. The boost to just keep going! The boost of energy! The boost to be more positive! Just a plain ol mental boost I had been needing!

I have learned through Kyle that sometimes small and simple things really aren’t small and simple at all! I’m grateful for teachers that text me and probably don’t realize the huge impact it has on this mom. I’m grateful for the trials Kyle throws at me. I know that through the trials comes strength! I’m grateful for progress in Kyle AND me. I’m grateful for a week full of good days for Kyle and am gonna hope we have more good weeks than bad…but if we don’t we will keep trying. ❀️

Dear diary…

Sometimes when I think past tomorrow with Kyle, I panic. How am I going to do this forever? I’m exhausted most days. Mostly emotionally exhausted. But exhausted none the less.

I’m laying here next to Kyle after a long Saturday. Wasn’t necessarily a bad day. Just long. He asked for food about 3 million times. And cried every time I said no. It’s trying on my nerves to have to hear him cry several times through out the day. Then as I struggled to get him into bed tonight, I started to do what I don’t normally do…think past tomorrow. And started to panic.

Most days I don’t think about how hard it is. Or how it will never not be hard. Most days I just do it, I just BE Kyle’s mom. But tonight I let my mind wander.

What am I going to do when Kyle graduates high school? Will i ever not be emotionally exhausted? What am I going to do if his dr, who is amazing and makes a special appt for Kyle on SATURDAY when no one is in the office, decides to retire? What kind of adult is Kyle going to be? Will Kyle ever get on the damn bus without a fight? What happens when Janine isn’t his bus aide anymore for whatever reason? Am I going to have to lay by Kyle forever for him to relax and go to sleep? Is he going to live with me forever? What happens when I get old? What will happen when I die? 😒 Will Kyle ever get over his separation anxiety with me? Will I ever not feel guilty leaving him with other people? Will he ever be independent? What does Kyles future look like? Is Kyle happy? Am I the best mom for him?

As I lay next to him typing away on my phone, him playing with my face almost asleep, these are some of the questions that are racing through my head. And I don’t have the answers to any of them, which is probably why I don’t allow myself to think past tomorrow when it comes to Kyle.

He’s finally asleep snoring next to me. I guess what I do know is that even though it’s freaking hard every single day. And I’m exhausted most days. I love this boy more than anything. I love what he has taught me thus far. And I love what he will continue to teach me…..tomorrow.

Ugh…2nd day of 10th grade

Well…yesterday went pretty good-for the first day back after two weeks off. We started a new routine hoping to eliminate some of Kyles transitional anxiety. He sat outside on a chair on the edge of the grass where he waited for the bus! Erika made a social story that we read over and over leading up to that point! He still struggled getting on the bus BUT James didn’t have to drag him (so to speak) kicking and screaming up the stairs. He didn’t puke and he even kept his shirt on! When he got home Janine said he had a great day! So all in all I called it a win.

Today. Today was NOT a win. We did all the same things as yesterday except for some reason he wasn’t having it today. James got him on the bus (shirtless) and as soon as I walked off the bus he….threw up. 😩 Thankfully Janine is amazing and is used to Kyle. The new bus driver, who said yesterday that Kyle “wasn’t so bad” quickly realized some days definitely can be bad. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈI ran in got a towel and did a quick clean up job on him and the floor. Janine said not to worry about him she’d change him at school and do a better clean up job. I walked off the bus feeling defeated.

Why can’t he just get on the bus? Why does he have to do this? Why can’t he be a teeny tiny bit easy? Why? Why? Why?

The afternoon arrived and my anxiety started to surface as I waited for the bus not knowing how the rest of his day went. I usually know by the amount of clothes he walks off the bus in. He had no shirt on today. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™€οΈ And Janine immediately said he had a rough day. All day. He threw up several times at school. And was just a punk throughout the day. Then when it came time to go home he got outside and threw his backpack and himself on the ground in protest and had to be “helped” onto the bus! 😏 Which then just makes him more mad that he isn’t able to protest the way he wants.

I hate these days. I hate them. My guilt goes into overdrive. I feel guilty that my kid is THAT kid. The kid that is hard. I feel guilty that Janine had to ride the bus with my kid covered in puke. I feel guilty that all day my kid was hard on his teachers. I feel guilty that while he’s at school he’s not my burden. I feel guilty that I look forward to that time. I feel guilty that I have no control over my child’s behavior.

When we got into the house I decided he wasn’t getting his iPad. I’m not sure who I was punishing more. Him or me? Sometimes I don’t hold him accountable because I’m not always sure he understands consequences? Or maybe because I understand anxiety so I give him a pass? I don’t know…but today I felt like he understood. Janine told him she was gonna tell on him today and he told her no! And proceeded to kiss her arm (smarty pants) πŸ˜‚So all afternoon and evening whenever he asked for the iPad I simply repeated “no iPad because you threw up on the bus and at school. You can have the iPad tomorrow when you get on the bus nicely.”For the most part he accepted it and only melted down a couple of times. Mostly he was defiant when I asked him to do something. 😏

Tomorrow my hope is he will be so focused on getting the iPad that he’s been without for a full day that he will get on the bus without a fight. It’s worked before so πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ. If not I guess we endure another long day of no iPad! 😩 because I have to follow through now! 🀞🏻

Autism sucks. Fragile x sucks. The whole getting on the bus sucks. Sometimes I look at my life and think how in the world do I keep finding hope for a better day tomorrow? I guess some days that’s all I have…hope for a better tomorrow. ❀️

One step at a time

I know it’s been a minute (maybe a few) since I last posted. And I really want to share with you all the journey thus far with Gooding. Which has been (mostly) great. But I want to make sure I do that post right. I want to be honest and raw with you all! So it might take a few more minutes til I get that post written! I know such a teaser….but in the mean time, here’s a video of Kyle walking to the mailbox. πŸ€—

We have been working on this task for a month or so. The first time he DID IT, but there was crying and spitting and he dropped to the floor ( he got up quickly, but he still dropped), and we had to bribe him with a trip to McDonald’s to get him to finish the task the other times we did it. And he still struggled the whole way through. Gooding helped (i know you all are asking πŸ˜‰)-there is no way he would have even been able to get half way down the drive way before Gooding arrived! But this is all new territory for Kyle so he still needs lots of practice!

To many this is a small and simple task, but to Kyle it’s huge. He has to overcome anxiety, lots of transitions, and the sensory overload that a simple walk to the mailbox and back causes.

Today, Kyle did it! He walked to the mailbox and back with Gooding! And with not one single meltdown! He even wore the tether we have been trying to get him to wear that he hates! It was so cool watching him walk with Erika and Gooding. 😭 I was so proud of him. I never thought a walk around our neighborhood with Kyle was in his cards. But I was wrong! And I look forward to the day we can take a walk around the entire block as a family!

Sometimes when the days are long and little progress is made or the progress is hard to notice I get down. I get discouraged. But today Kyle reminded me that hard work and patience ALWAYS pays off. Because today Kyle walked all the way to the mailbox and back home with a smile almost the whole time! Today was a great day.