This morning as Whitney was brushing her hair she said “mom, I’m gonna have a lot of babies when I’m a grown up!” My heart broke a little bit, thinking back to being a little girl and wanting all the babies. Before my dreams were shattered when fragile x entered my world.
Let me try to explain in layman’s terms, I have a 50% chance of passing my “bad x” onto my children. And if I pass that “bad x” my chances increase drastically in having a child with the full mutation (like Kyle) or a carrier of the gene. It’s all so complicated. And a lot to consider when deciding to expand a family.
Cody was tested when I found out about Kyle. He got my “good x” so he won’t ever have to worry about FX being passed to his children. 🙏🏻 I am so grateful.
Whitney. I haven’t had her tested yet. I know she doesn’t have the full mutation like her big brother. BUT, is she a carrier? Will she carry the burden I carry? Will she have to consider this when she gets married and discusses having babies with her husband? Will her hopes and dreams of wanting “a lot of babies”-6 to be exact- be crushed? Will she have a Kyle?
This morning as I watched her in the mirror brush her hair, completely oblivious to what was going on in my head, my eyes became wet. I thought of all those questions. Even though I know whatever happens she is brave and strong willed like her mama. So she will be fine. But my heart aches thinking about what her life may have in store for her.
I guess I have put off getting her tested because a part of me would rather live in wonder than live in guilt. Guilt in knowing I passed this on to her. Guilt in knowing I can’t take the burden from her. Guilt in knowing the fear she will feel when starting her family. 😢It’s easier just to wonder for now.
Ignorance IS bliss….for now. Eventually I will get her tested. Because along with family planning issues, being a carrier comes with a wealth of other issues, so it needs to happen.
But until then I am going to dream of my baby girl all grown up having 6 healthy babies and being the best mommy ever. ❤️