Never ending.

Can I be completely honest? Today is the last day of a long 3 week Christmas break for Kyle. Who the eff thought THREE WEEKS OFF of school at Christmas time was a good idea…for any kid? Add Kyle and it takes it to a whole new level of stupid. Whoever it is, I’m coming for you. Cuz this last week has been hell. And that is not an exaggeration. I’m not sure my mental health could handle one more day of Kyle screaming “noooo” every 3 minutes. Also, not an exaggeration. The entire day, with an added hair pull, spit in my face, or throw up if I’m really lucky. This is not any different from most days even when he’s in school. But the 3 long break in routine had my patience pretty much on empty…and kyles ability to cope got less and less as the days passed.

Here we are on the eve of getting back to the return of our routine-that both Kyle and I crave. We made it. Some how we made it.

As I was fighting with him to get dressed tonight after showering him (to which he also fought me) I felt tears well up. Which isn’t unusual for me. It’s emotionally exhausting being Kyle’s mom. And sometimes a small cry helps. Sometimes it doesn’t help but I do it anyway! But I got up and wiped my tears. At that moment I thought to myself how hard every single day is and it will never go away. I will wake up everyday and have to do the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do over and over.

Most people don’t know the struggle I go through daily being this boys mom. I love him with every ounce of my being. But it is so hard. And some days I don’t want to do it. And that is so hard to admit. But it’s true. The hard will never end.

Motherhood isn’t what I expected. Some days I feel cheated. Hell, most days I feel cheated. Kyle sucks a lot out of me, mentally.

After I finished bathing Kyle and got him settled in his room watching Mickey Mouse club house I walked downstairs and sat at the table with Justin, Cody, Whitney and James. We sat at the table and drank milkshakes and laughed and talked. I love these moments cuz I feel like we are a normal family. Even if it’s just for a few minutes. I treasure them.

Tomorrow Kyle goes back to school. I feel relief but also anxiety. Kyle has been out of practice for 3 weeks. Which probably means the bus isn’t gonna be fun. Ugh.

Like I said…the hard will never end. Never.

Santa clause is coming to town

Having Kyle has given me many unique opportunities to see such amazing acts of true service and pure kindness. This Santa shows up every year and visits the kids in the special ed department at the high school. For years Kyle hasn’t been able to visit santa due to his high anxiety. I’m sure a lot of the kids in his class can’t either. Kyle knows who Santa is and gets excited when we talk about him. Shanda said he was very excited when santa came in today! 😭 This man makes it possible for these kids to still be able to experience the magic of Christmas despite the challenges they face. I am so grateful to whoever this kind man is. He is what Christmas is about. #autism #fragilex #anxiety #kindness #spiritofchristmas #ibelieve

A lil kindness goes a long way

I was sent this picture by Janine today. It’s Kyle coloring with two girls from ASB. 😭 A few of the kids from ASB came in to hang out with the autism crew! Janine said he loved it and colored with them for a long time. He was so happy that Janine walked away and let him hang with the girls. 😀I don’t know these two young girls, but I wish I could let them know this mom’s heart is so full and is so appreciative of the kindness they showed her son today. What a gift. At their age, I certainly didn’t have the level of awareness nor did I have the compassion and kindness they are showing my boy. 😭 But I am so grateful these two girls do. #autismawareness #fragilex #bekind #compassion

Autism awareness month jk just another day!

Autism awareness month never ends over here! This. 😭It’s the end of a week off of school. He got mad because he couldn’t find his iPad which was upstairs charging, so while protesting he thru his shirt off. I tasked him with picking up his shirt first then he’d get the iPad which I was holding in my hand. He decided for whatever reason that he was NOT going to pick his shirt up. Instead this happened. A full on protest. I waited upstairs for him to decide to give up and walk upstairs. It took 25 minutes and he walked up with no shorts on. And pissed that now he gets no iPad. Man, he’s stubborn. Thank goodness it’s date night. And thank goodness he goes back to school on Monday. #autism #fragilex #THISisautism #lordhelpmewhenhehas3weeksoffforwinterbreak #sendallthedietcoke #andwatchoutonlineshopping

Everyone was Kung fu fighting!

Tonight was rough. It started out with me trying to shower Kyle without taking a shower myself. Every night is a whole lotta “Stop pulling my hair! Don’t splash me please!”. Seriously, every night. Tonight I stood there with wet hair and wet clothes, feeling defeated. I was frustrated and then it hit me that this is my life. What I wanted to do was run into my room and quit. Buuuut that’s not an option. So instead I fought with him more to brush his teeth, which is a whole lotta “don’t bite the tooth brush! Quiet hands please! We’re almost done!” Then we went into his room where I just was ready to hurry and get him dressed. But that wasn’t what happened.

He decided today he wanted Kung fu panda on the iPad. To most that sounds like a simple request. And sometimes it is. Tonight it wasn’t.

Years ago when the first one came out McDonald’s gave out the figurines in their happy meals. Kyle became obsessed. We held onto those toys through several moves. But eventually they were lost. Every once in awhile Kyle will ask for one In particular, tai lung. The bad guy. He LOVES that one. Most of the time he will accept that we don’t have it anymore. He insists I look under his bed because ONE time that’s where we found it.

Well tonight he became so set on having it. He asked about a thousand times using his hands. I knew exactly what he was asking for. And after he asked nicely several times he became more and more upset. He refused to get dressed and then went into full fledge meltdown mode. Like nothing was going to calm him down. I felt so helpless because he would start to calm down and try so hard to explain to me what he wanted. He was almost desperate. I kept reassuring him I knew what he wanted but I didn’t have it. That only made it worse. I left the room a few times hoping he would settle down but he only got more upset.

At one point I was explaining to Marie that they were old McDonald’s toys that he was asking for. To which Kyle began asking for the car over and over. Pretty sure he heard me say McDonald’s and he thought that the car would take him to the toy he was so obsessed with getting. 😭

At this point I started to feel sad. I was trying so hard to communicate to him that I understood what he was asking for it just wasn’t something I could make happen. He was trying so hard to calm himself down and explain to me what he wanted hoping that if he asked appropriately he would get it.

It sucked. This sucks. Why can’t our life be easier? Everyday is hard. For me. For Kyle too.

He calmed down enough that a Reese’s, which he hardly gets worked to get him to stand up and refocus. He jumped up and finished getting his pajamas on and settled down completely. He asked for the figures a few more times but accepted that I didn’t have them.

I’m laying next to him now and just finished purchasing used McDonald’s Kung fu panda toys on eBay for $50 bucks. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Kyles birthday is next week and he will LOVE them. I’m grateful that people still have them and that eBay exists cuz there are few things that bring Kyle joy. Those toys bring him joy. ❤️

Tonight was hard. Just like yesterday was and tomorrow will be. But even as I type that I am grateful for the hard life I live. The opportunities to grow DAILY are worth it. And watching his face light up when he opens those $50 worth of McDonald’s toys is gonna be the best! ❤️

Blah blah blah

Blah. Yesterday Kyle had a near perfect day. He got on the bus NO PROBLEM. Like hopped on with a smile! Then Janine reported after school that he was awesome all day! His transitions at school were great! He didn’t meltdown on the bus when Jorge didn’t turn the direction of our house!

Then this morning. I did everything I did yesterday. Thinking maybe if i keep everything the same the outcome will be the same. Wishful thinking. We walked out to the bus aaaaand he started melting down. Kept pointing at the house asking for 27 different things. And progressively getting more upset. James tried getting him on but Kyle was not having it.

Let me stop right here for a minute. James planned to go to a gym class that started at 6:30am. Get Kyle on the bus at a little after 6, just in time to make it to his class.

After a few failed attempts by James and Kyle now on the ground with both shoes thrown across the lawn…Janine suggested Jorge leave and come back after picking up a few of the kids. A redo.

I immediately felt an overwhelming amount of guilt as the bus drove away. James would have to miss his class. Seems minuscule. But wtf Kyle?! GET ON THE DAMN BUS!!!!! Suuuuck. I HATE that I need James to help so much in the morning. I hate that I can’t do it by myself. It’s the worst.

James guided a screaming Kyle back in the house. Kyle plopped down on the floor and kept on screaming. He knew he messed up. No ipad. And mom was pissed.

After about 10 minutes he calmed down. And he sat in the middle of the floor with his head down until the bus showed up around 6:35. He got up and walked out and onto the bus. 🤬

Why? Why does he do this? To explain the level of frustration is impossible.

Here’s the deal. I know I am the issue. And that is super sucky. He has major separation anxiety. Like imagine the toddler stage when they have major separation anxiety-yeah that’s Kyle. All. The. Time. His whole existence. Then throw on top of separation anxiety a little transitional anxiety. Yup. He sucks at transitions. How do I fix this?! He’s my kid. I can’t not get him ready in the morning. I can’t not help get him out the door.

I feel an enormous amount of guilt. I feel an enormous amount of anxiety. Every single morning. And it sucks.

Why can’t this be easier? Why can’t he just get on the bus?

Oh and did I mention we took him to the dr on Saturday-the one that tried to break up with us cuz he’s retiring. Yeah well, he ripped the bandaid off. He didn’t reschedule with us. 😭

I need another vacation. But maybe I won’t come back the next time.

November 5th 2019

Storm before the calm

Kyle is making me earn every ounce of my Hawaiian vacation. Today sucked. From 5:20am on. I think I put his socks on and he immediately took them off and threw them at least 10x. Every time I put a pant leg in he’d kick it off. I wanted to scream. I did at one point. To which he then cried and melted down further. If that’s even possible. And yes. Yes it is. Then this afternoon he walked off the bus wearing a pair of shorts only. No shirt. No socks. No shoes. Janine said it was rough all day. I’ll spare the details but he went through all his spare clothes. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Then when it was time to go to the bus he stripped and through everything as well as his backpack, all while screaming.

I’m at a loss as to what to do. I’m exhausted. He’s so hard. This is so hard. Erika came today and we talked it out. She gave me suggestions. I listened. I’ll try them, cuz that’s all I can do. But damnit, Kyle! Suck.

He didn’t get his iPad all afternoon because of his outburst before getting on the afternoon bus. But sometimes I think that is more of a punishment for me. I’m hoping. I’m crossing my fingers. I’m begging and pleading with god that tomorrow he will want that iPad so bad that the morning will run smooth. That his day at school will run smooth. That when he gets home tomorrow and Marie arrives it will run smooth.

The calm before the storm is the saying but seems like it’s the opposite for me. The storm before a week of calm and then I come back to more storm-hopefully a little tanner and my emotional tank full.

Sigh.

James left tonight for a business trip to Ohio too. Trying not to let that get me down. I can do hard things. Not sure how much longer I can lie to myself…hopefully at least til Tuesday when we board the plane to Hawaii. 🏝

This is Kyle from today….