Rough night

January 27 2019

Kyle refused to get in the bath tonight. Which resulted in 10 minutes of me asking then begging then yelling then begging again. Finally I walked away and stood at the stairs breathing deeply and telling myself it was ok. Then he walked into the bathroom…. only to fight me about getting him washed. Which turned into another meltdown that just grew into a bigger one. We fought about drying him off and then about getting his underwear and singlet on. Lastly, He wouldn’t get into bed…lots of tears and snot and several attempts at throwing up but he is finally calmed down and laying next to me in bed.

He is so stubborn. But so am I. I have been better about taking his iPad away when he becomes defiant. He understands consequences and it works well with taking his iPad when he is just being a punk. Which is why he was so upset. He knew he lost his iPad. But I was still mad so I wasn’t about to give it back! He knew he messed up and this time my stubbornness won.

What I wouldn’t give to get inside this boy’s brain. The level of frustration on both our ends, I wish I could make go away.

And now we go to sleep and wake up to Monday. And the bus. Sometimes it feels like I never get a break. He never gets a break. I wish life was easier for both of us. I guess I will grasp to hope. Hope that life will be a little bit gentler on me and this boy of mine, in the coming days. Hope that Life will get a little bit easier. We both could use a break.


1/ 25/19

This afternoon I was typing in “spongebob squidward” to YouTube for Kyle. That’s currently his favorite search. As he was walking away Whitney said, “I wish Kyle’s brain worked like mine.” Oh my heart.

I often forget when things get tough with Kyle, it not only is hard for me but my kids as well. Being Kyle’s mom is hard. But I can’t imagine how tough it is to be his sibling sometimes. And my kids are champs and don’t ever complain. They mostly worry about him. But never complain.

When Whitney made that comment I took the opportunity to talk to her about when Kyle goes to heaven (when he’s so old) he will have a brain just like us! She lit up. She asked me a slew of questions! Would he not cry as much? Would I not have to help him get dressed anymore? Would he talk like us? Would he talk to Gooding? Would he play soccer with her? When I answered all her questions she said she couldn’t wait to see him do all those things! But she doesn’t want to die til she is an old grandma! πŸ˜‚

I’m so grateful for my faith. I’m grateful for being taught as a child about being a child of God. And that Christ died for us so that we could live again. And live again in a perfected state. I’m even more grateful for that knowledge, having Kyle. I cling to that. Especially on the really really hard days. I’m grateful that I can pass my faith onto my kids. So that when it’s hard having Kyle as a brother, they have something to cling to.

I hope when the day comes that Kyle is able to express his love to his brothers and sister they will all realize it was worth all the sacrifices they made in this life. ❀️

He always knows…

January 23 ’19

I swear Kyle has some sixth sense. He knows when I want him to go to sleep quickly. When I have plans to plans to leave when he’s asleep. You know how I know he knows? Cuz he takes extra long to fall asleep.

I’ve been laying by him for 45 min and he’s not even close to being settled. My stomach is growling and I’m starving.

James and I planned to go out once Kyle was down. We figured we could leave by 7…so naturally Kyle is going to take his sweet time settling in.

I even woke him up earlier this morning. He should be exhausted. I am. I’m exhausted and hungry and just want a quiet dinner with my husband. 😩 oh and I have to pee.

Go to effing sleep, Kyle.Take me back to Hawaii.

Just a teenager?

January 22, 2019

This morning went ok. Well ok with the bus. He has now become super difficult and uncooperative from the moment he wakes up. πŸ™„ he kicks his shoes off about 27x. Refuses to go to the bathroom until I’ve got him completely dressed and 5 min before the bus arrives. Which means I have to undress him (because of the singlet) to which he then gives me a huge fight to stand back up from the toilet and get dressed. 😩 But Fonda was here which made it so much easier. Man, I wish he would do things for me like he does for her. My life would be so much easier. She has some magic power. He got on the bus so I’ll call the bus a win today.

Janine said he has been super Crabby at school too. This morning he refused to go into class. So he sat outside in the freezing cold. Of course with no jacket because heaven forbid he wear one of those. So I’m sure some sort of sickness is around the corner. πŸ‘πŸ»His stubbornness is one that not many can compete with, unfortunately.

I’ve upped his cbd and been more strict about taking his iPad away when his behavior is less than desirable. And tomorrow morning I’m going to see if waking him up earlier helps. That way he has more time to adjust. πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ maybe he is just a teenager and is in total punk status on top of major anxiety. Who freaking knows. But I’m more than ready for something to work. And I’m sure his teacher and Janine are definitely ready for him to start complying.

In the evenings he doesn’t let up and gives me a hard time about pretty much any task I give him. He asked to go to sleep then wouldn’t go upstairs then refused to get into bed. Ugh. I’m exhausted.

I’m pretty much ready for a another vacation. But I guess I’ll settle for another day of him getting on the bus (this time without Fonda). Wish us luck tomorrow. πŸ€žπŸ»πŸ™πŸ»We will need it, I’m sure.

Another day in the life…

Today’s positive: He got off the bus this afternoon with ALL his clothes on.


January 21 2019

Today I am grateful for a friend who wants to help in any way she can, so she amazoned (is that a word?) me a motivational book. A book that gives me assignments everyday to improve my positive thinking. I love it and I can’t wait to start it. What a thoughtful gift. And what a friend! I am lucky.

Today I’m grateful for a husband who is my best friend and always knows how to make me laugh. Who tries hard to understand my anxiety and relieve it in any way he can. And that he put together my new vacuum! πŸ˜€

Today I am grateful for a new vacuum!

Today I’m grateful that I made it through another weekend.

Today I am grateful for a clean house. And candles that make my house smell good.

Today I’m grateful tomorrow is a school day!

Today I grateful that Fonda is able to come tomorrow to help ensure Kyle starts the week off right, and gets on the bus smoothly!

Today I am grateful for Diet Coke. I know it’s silly, but sometimes it’s the simple things! πŸ˜‰

I started this post off with the intention of writing only one thing I was grateful for. Then more and more thoughts cane to me. Sometimes it takes some digging to find something to be grateful for. And sometimes it’s easy. Writing it down helps draw it out for me. There truly is always something to be grateful for!


January 20 2019

We survived another day. I think the increased dosage of cbd is helping. I guess the real test will be Tuesday when he goes back to school. πŸ€žπŸ»πŸ™πŸ»

Positive today….I got to take a nap. ❀️

I have an idea

Jan. 19 ’19

Today was a relatively good day! I was giving Kyle is morning meds and had an idea…increasing his cbd amount. So I did. And today was a good day! He even did great with my in-laws, sister in-law and her two kids!

James started researching cbd for autism years ago, and kept trying to convince me to try it. But I was scared. Probably more because I was uneducated on the subject. I asked his dr about it who gave the standard “not enough research for him to say yay or nay”. Until a year ago.

I don’t know if he was out of ideas or he had done his own research or what. But he recommended we try it out with Kyle. He gave us a specific brand called charlottes web. James knew all about it! It is used a lot in seizure patients. The dr explained that many times seizure medication is prescribed for autism patients. And he had a couple autism patients that have had success with this specific strain.

So we went home and ordered the extremely expensive ($300 a bottle) cbd oil. It was a learning curve figuring out the right dosage at first. And I wasn’t even sure if it was really working. Until we ran out and I noticed a HUGE difference in his anxiety. I even tested it out the next month and let it run out just to make sure the $300 a month was worth it. It was. It is!

We have been giving him the same dosage for awhile now….but I’m thinking it’s time to adjust. And see what happens. Today it worked. So maybe, just maybe, tweeking the dosage of the cbd with help with Kyle’s behaviors. 🀞🏻I’m gonna hold onto that as we approach day two of the 3 day weekend!

I swear sometimes I feel crazy for all the things I try to make life a little bit easier for Kyle AND me. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t. My favorite is when they work for a few days and then they don’t. Just kidding that’s not my favorite. It’s actually annoying.

Kyle….the ever complicated, always changing, never easy child that I can’t help but love more than anything. ❀️

Here’s to more of the better days like today and less of the crappy days like yesterday! πŸ™πŸ»