Raw and real-shoulda been a journal entry.

Sitting in my room listening to my 16 year old cry himself to sleep-which isn’t any easier than listening to your baby cry him or herself to sleep! It sucks. I made the mistake of thinking he was asleep and walked out of his room too soon. He probably would have fallen asleep but the boys ran up and down the stairs grabbing last minute items before running out the front door to youth group. Kyle heard them of course and was up and out of bed in 3 seconds. Probably making sure it wasn’t me leaving but then was wide awake. When I went in to get him back into bed he freaked when I wasn’t going to start the long routine of laying by him all over again! How dare I leave and make him fall asleep alone!

So, yesterday sucked. Not the same as tonight sucking, but it sucked. I had several sweet friends check on me via social media and texts through out the day! I even had one Venmo me Diet Coke money! How sweet is that! 😂I really have great friends. I get emotional when I think of how great my friends are in cheering me on.

Tonight as I sit here listening to him cry and feeling completely defeated I can’t help but think of the questions most people asked today when they texted me…so was today better? And in an attempt to sound more positive than I actually am feeling I said yes it was better. And I guess it was better. He only sat on the sidewalk outside the school for 5 min not 3 hours. 😖But if I’m being brutally honest. Like how I really feel at this moment it’s this…every effing day sucks. Some days suck more than others. But every single day sucks to some degree. The suckiness never goes away.

I wake up everyday and have to try to convince myself that today doesn’t suck. And some days I’m super good at it. Some days I can talk myself into believing that it actually doesn’t suck having to fight every single day with a child who has the cognitive ability of a 2 year old but is the size of an adult man. I’m not sure how I do that.

He’s finally asleep. Took 45 minutes and me going in there twice to get him back into bed. But he’s asleep. Now I can’t help but think of how this affects tomorrow morning. He’s going to bed later, which means he will be extra tired in the morning. Which usually means extra fighting.

I’m gonna have to do a whole lotta pep talking to myself tomorrow morning. See? Everyday sucks.

I’d say I need a vacation but even a vacation sounds like too much work.

Side note: I really hope no one reads this post. If you are reading this, This is me. Raw and real. And probably should have written this in a personal journal. But this is my personal journal so….

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