Can I be completely honest? Today is the last day of a long 3 week Christmas break for Kyle. Who the eff thought THREE WEEKS OFF of school at Christmas time was a good idea…for any kid? Add Kyle and it takes it to a whole new level of stupid. Whoever it is, I’m coming for you. Cuz this last week has been hell. And that is not an exaggeration. I’m not sure my mental health could handle one more day of Kyle screaming “noooo” every 3 minutes. Also, not an exaggeration. The entire day, with an added hair pull, spit in my face, or throw up if I’m really lucky. This is not any different from most days even when he’s in school. But the 3 long break in routine had my patience pretty much on empty…and kyles ability to cope got less and less as the days passed.
Here we are on the eve of getting back to the return of our routine-that both Kyle and I crave. We made it. Some how we made it.
As I was fighting with him to get dressed tonight after showering him (to which he also fought me) I felt tears well up. Which isn’t unusual for me. It’s emotionally exhausting being Kyle’s mom. And sometimes a small cry helps. Sometimes it doesn’t help but I do it anyway! But I got up and wiped my tears. At that moment I thought to myself how hard every single day is and it will never go away. I will wake up everyday and have to do the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do over and over.
Most people don’t know the struggle I go through daily being this boys mom. I love him with every ounce of my being. But it is so hard. And some days I don’t want to do it. And that is so hard to admit. But it’s true. The hard will never end.
Motherhood isn’t what I expected. Some days I feel cheated. Hell, most days I feel cheated. Kyle sucks a lot out of me, mentally.
After I finished bathing Kyle and got him settled in his room watching Mickey Mouse club house I walked downstairs and sat at the table with Justin, Cody, Whitney and James. We sat at the table and drank milkshakes and laughed and talked. I love these moments cuz I feel like we are a normal family. Even if it’s just for a few minutes. I treasure them.
Tomorrow Kyle goes back to school. I feel relief but also anxiety. Kyle has been out of practice for 3 weeks. Which probably means the bus isn’t gonna be fun. Ugh.
Like I said…the hard will never end. Never.