January 11, 2019
Two. More. Days. 😭 So close but so far.
This morning Whitney woke up running a fever and was so emotional. I swear, why is it when it rains in my life it has to pour?! I feel like life is *trying* so hard to break me.
And This afternoon it almost did. Maybe it’s because I knew Erika was coming so I was counting every minute that it got closer to 2:30 when she would knock on my door. Maybe I really was just over it. And ready to melt down. Whatever it was I was close to a meltdown. My patience was slim.
But as soon as she walked through the front door, it was like she knew. She knew I was close to my tipping point. She always does. She is only coming now once a week. And during school it’s perfect. But during break it’s not. It’s hard. She’s kept in touch with me on the days she wasn’t here and knew I needed more support this week so she arranged to come in twice. Which i was so grateful for. She is seriously the best.
She took over Kyle and let me clean to take my mind off of things. As soon as Kyle and her were upstairs my anxiety eased.
Sometimes I feel guilty with how much relief I feel when the sole responsibility of Kyle is taken away from me-even if it’s just for a few hours. The relief feels like I just unloaded 100 pounds of pure anxiety off my shoulders. Sometimes it makes me sad realizing how much of a toll Kyle takes on me.
Here I am laying next to him at the end of another long day. Trying not to dread tomorrow. Trying to focus on the smiles he had today while Erika was here. Trying to focus on it only being a few more days til he goes back to school (and not focusing on Monday morning’s inevitable fight to get him on the bus after a 3 week hiatus 😬😳). Trying to breathe out my anxiety and in good thoughts! I can do it!
Today was rough but if I am going to choose something to be grateful for (and I am choosing to do that) it’s going to be that Erika is still in our lives. That she still comes and gives her all. That while she was here she made me pause and appreciate the few minutes that Kyle laughed and smiled today. She was definitely my tender mercy that I prayed really hard for last night. And I’ll definitely take it. ❤️