Dear diary…

Sometimes when I think past tomorrow with Kyle, I panic. How am I going to do this forever? I’m exhausted most days. Mostly emotionally exhausted. But exhausted none the less.

I’m laying here next to Kyle after a long Saturday. Wasn’t necessarily a bad day. Just long. He asked for food about 3 million times. And cried every time I said no. It’s trying on my nerves to have to hear him cry several times through out the day. Then as I struggled to get him into bed tonight, I started to do what I don’t normally do…think past tomorrow. And started to panic.

Most days I don’t think about how hard it is. Or how it will never not be hard. Most days I just do it, I just BE Kyle’s mom. But tonight I let my mind wander.

What am I going to do when Kyle graduates high school? Will i ever not be emotionally exhausted? What am I going to do if his dr, who is amazing and makes a special appt for Kyle on SATURDAY when no one is in the office, decides to retire? What kind of adult is Kyle going to be? Will Kyle ever get on the damn bus without a fight? What happens when Janine isn’t his bus aide anymore for whatever reason? Am I going to have to lay by Kyle forever for him to relax and go to sleep? Is he going to live with me forever? What happens when I get old? What will happen when I die? 😢 Will Kyle ever get over his separation anxiety with me? Will I ever not feel guilty leaving him with other people? Will he ever be independent? What does Kyles future look like? Is Kyle happy? Am I the best mom for him?

As I lay next to him typing away on my phone, him playing with my face almost asleep, these are some of the questions that are racing through my head. And I don’t have the answers to any of them, which is probably why I don’t allow myself to think past tomorrow when it comes to Kyle.

He’s finally asleep snoring next to me. I guess what I do know is that even though it’s freaking hard every single day. And I’m exhausted most days. I love this boy more than anything. I love what he has taught me thus far. And I love what he will continue to teach me…..tomorrow.

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