Well…yesterday went pretty good-for the first day back after two weeks off. We started a new routine hoping to eliminate some of Kyles transitional anxiety. He sat outside on a chair on the edge of the grass where he waited for the bus! Erika made a social story that we read over and over leading up to that point! He still struggled getting on the bus BUT James didn’t have to drag him (so to speak) kicking and screaming up the stairs. He didn’t puke and he even kept his shirt on! When he got home Janine said he had a great day! So all in all I called it a win.
Today. Today was NOT a win. We did all the same things as yesterday except for some reason he wasn’t having it today. James got him on the bus (shirtless) and as soon as I walked off the bus he….threw up. 😩 Thankfully Janine is amazing and is used to Kyle. The new bus driver, who said yesterday that Kyle “wasn’t so bad” quickly realized some days definitely can be bad. 🤦🏻♀️I ran in got a towel and did a quick clean up job on him and the floor. Janine said not to worry about him she’d change him at school and do a better clean up job. I walked off the bus feeling defeated.
Why can’t he just get on the bus? Why does he have to do this? Why can’t he be a teeny tiny bit easy? Why? Why? Why?
The afternoon arrived and my anxiety started to surface as I waited for the bus not knowing how the rest of his day went. I usually know by the amount of clothes he walks off the bus in. He had no shirt on today. 🤦🏻♀️ And Janine immediately said he had a rough day. All day. He threw up several times at school. And was just a punk throughout the day. Then when it came time to go home he got outside and threw his backpack and himself on the ground in protest and had to be “helped” onto the bus! 😏 Which then just makes him more mad that he isn’t able to protest the way he wants.
I hate these days. I hate them. My guilt goes into overdrive. I feel guilty that my kid is THAT kid. The kid that is hard. I feel guilty that Janine had to ride the bus with my kid covered in puke. I feel guilty that all day my kid was hard on his teachers. I feel guilty that while he’s at school he’s not my burden. I feel guilty that I look forward to that time. I feel guilty that I have no control over my child’s behavior.
When we got into the house I decided he wasn’t getting his iPad. I’m not sure who I was punishing more. Him or me? Sometimes I don’t hold him accountable because I’m not always sure he understands consequences? Or maybe because I understand anxiety so I give him a pass? I don’t know…but today I felt like he understood. Janine told him she was gonna tell on him today and he told her no! And proceeded to kiss her arm (smarty pants) 😂So all afternoon and evening whenever he asked for the iPad I simply repeated “no iPad because you threw up on the bus and at school. You can have the iPad tomorrow when you get on the bus nicely.”For the most part he accepted it and only melted down a couple of times. Mostly he was defiant when I asked him to do something. 😏
Tomorrow my hope is he will be so focused on getting the iPad that he’s been without for a full day that he will get on the bus without a fight. It’s worked before so 🤷🏻♀️. If not I guess we endure another long day of no iPad! 😩 because I have to follow through now! 🤞🏻
Autism sucks. Fragile x sucks. The whole getting on the bus sucks. Sometimes I look at my life and think how in the world do I keep finding hope for a better day tomorrow? I guess some days that’s all I have…hope for a better tomorrow. ❤️