James left on another business trip on Monday for a couple of days. 😬 But guess what?! I wasn’t an anxious mess. I was fine-ok I was a little anxious cuz let’s not kid ourselves, I’m pretty much anxious all the time! BUT I wasn’t *overly* anxious about trying to get Kyle on the bus. I didn’t wake up on Tuesday with a stomach ache wondering if Kyle would drop to the ground and refuse to stand. I wasn’t anxious that the bus would have to drive away WITHOUT Kyle! I wasn’t anxious trying to come up with a backup plan if he refused to get on the bus! I woke up Tuesday morning free from extra anxiety! 👏🏻
I’ve said before how I am not good at asking for help. And I’m not. I have an unhealthy expectation of myself, having to do everything for Kyle. And if I fall short, or am not able to do something, somehow I feel like I have failed as his mom. Moms should be able to take care of their kid, they should be able to take care of all their needs-whatever they may be, right?! 🙄 I have always felt as though Kyle is MY responsibility and MY “load” to carry. And even though it’s a heavy load and a lot to carry, I should be able to carry it. Because I’m Kyles mom. I shouldn’t NEED help.
When things become too heavy or I simply can’t do something-as a last resort I’ll *reluctantly* ask for help, but only from my inner circle. James. My mom. Erika. And it usually stops there. Most of the time, asking them for help results in me feeling super guilty (gosh I sound so unhealthy?! Hopefully other moms feel this way and I’m not the only unhealthy one 😂)! I’d rather struggle through something than ask for help. It’s so dumb. So dumb.
When James broke the news about his upcoming business trip a month ago, I freaked out inside. My first thought was, “ok, I guess Kyle will just stay home from school those days!” What?! Who thinks that way! Me. After the last business trip-which included 2 mornings of failed attempts (2 days of hell) at getting him on the bus by myself, the thought of trying that again sounded excruciating, and I wasn’t about to put my mental health through that again. 😩 So when my poor husband broke the news that he couldn’t put it off any longer, I decided to take Ciara’s advice, from our meeting a few weeks ago, and Ask. For. Help. 😬 And I wasn’t going to feel guilty. And I wasn’t going to feel like a failure.
Kyle has major transitional anxiety. Getting Kyle on the bus takes two people no matter what. It has nothing to do with my mothering. It has nothing to do with me not following through or me not doing all that I’ve been taught by Erika, behavior wise. That is just Kyle. And Kyle is bigger than I am. I physically cannot pick him up if he drops. That has nothing to do with me not doing something right. I am starting to be ok with asking for help outside my circle and realizing its absolutely ok. Because it IS ok for me to receive help in carrying the load Kyle brings.
I had mentioned a while back in one of my blogs about this upcoming trip James had to schedule. Right after posting the blog, I got a message from Kyle’s previous teacher from Palmdale discovery center-who is amazing. 👇🏻
You guys. How awesome is she?! 😭 As soon as I found out the dates James would be gone I messaged her with them-then broke the news that I’d need her here by 6:10 because the bus is usually here by 6:15. She didn’t hesitate. She said she’d be here no problem. My heart was seriously full of gratitude.( I should probably preface this with-I wrote her back the first time and said I was trying to have James schedule his trip on a weekend and I probably wouldn’t need her! Ha. Ha. That obviously didn’t work out. Big wigs don’t work on weekends-go figure! 😏 Cue-my dumb way of thinking that I don’t need help. Luckily when I asked if the offer still stood she said, of course!)
So Tuesday morning came and sure enough, Fonda text me at 6am to let me know she was here and waiting out front. I felt so much comfort in knowing she was there to help. She is amazing with Kyle. He loves her. She set a standard with him from the beginning and has followed through every single time! He knows what she expects and knows she will make him follow through! So having her there, I knew things would go smoothly.
The bus showed up early that morning and informed me that that was the new pick up time, 6 freaking am! 😳 AND it was a new driver. Kyle still did awesome despite ALL the changes to his routine that morning. He walked to the bus with Fonda no problem. None at all. Even Janine was shocked! He got on the bus no problem. Sat down in his seat no problem. Waved good bye to me and Fonda. And off he went. Same thing this morning. 🙏🏻
What a relief. Sometimes I think to myself, ‘what other lessons do I possibly still need to learn from Kyle’? But I’m sure there are many more lessons to be learned through the experiences he throws at me (probably because I’m so stubborn-God knew this was the only way I’d really learn 😂)That last business trip I was so mad at God. I was mad that he didn’t help me. He didn’t make it easy on me and MAKE Kyle get on the bus. He didn’t give me my 3 day miracle that I asked for. I was so angry. But looking back there were so many lessons to be learned from those horrible mornings. As hard as it is for me to admit, we are further ahead in getting Kyle in a morning routine that includes the bus BECAUSE of those hard, super hard 3 days.
Sometimes God uses people to bless us and to perform His “miracles”. I am so grateful for people like Fonda who selflessly woke up extra early to come to my house 2 days in a row, before the sun rises, to spend less than 5 minutes getting MY son on the bus. All with a smile. For no other reason than she cares about Kyle, and saw that I needed. These last two days were definitely “miracles”. All because someone offered to help and I was able to humble myself and accept the offer. 💙