If you don’t ever experience anxiety….you are a lucky duck-and I’m jealous! Ugh. It sucks. The constant worry and sometimes nausea that occurs as I try and navigate daily through life, sucks big time. I’ve shared before that I deal with my anxiety by talking myself through it. But sometimes when I’m in a really hard season with Kyle (like, say, NOW), I question how I’m gonna talk myself through another day of excessive worrying, but somehow I do every time. I guess I should be grateful I can do this. I don’t think people realize I’m struggling internally because I have learned to mask it so well…I’m not sure if that’s a good thing but I’m gonna say it is 🤷🏻♀️and give myself kudos for plugging away every single day-despite it! 👏🏻
Kyle ended summer school two weeks ago so we had a break from the everyday brutal bus/school routine. But come Monday morning at 6:30am we start the painful process all over again. 2 weeks is just enough time for Kyle to get out of the school routine…which is not awesome. 😏This means I have to gear up for another rough week (or few weeks) of getting him back into the routine. I’m not sure I’m mentally prepared….
The bus company called yesterday to give me the name of the driver and the pick up and drop off times. I instantly became nauseaous and thought of everything that could go wrong on Monday morning at 6:28 when the bus pulls up with a *NEW* driver 😩. No more (patient) Jorge. Oh the anxiety!!!!!
I worry that this new driver won’t be as patient and won’t wait as long on days that Kyle struggles with the transition into the bus! I worry that if that happens, Kyle will be reinforced and will think if he protests long enough the bus will drive away and he won’t have to ride the bus. I worry that Kyle will sense that new driver’s impatience and it will cause him more anxiety. I worry that Kyle will have another panic attack. I worry he will throw up on the bus and someone will have to clean him up and the bus. I worry about the super long day he will have-6:30am-3:30pm every day! I worry that Kyle will refuse to get on the bus and James won’t be able to get him on there. I worry that he won’t be the first stop and will struggle more getting on the bus because other kids are already on there. I worry that things will not get easier. I worry that I will become emotional and cry in front of my kids…again. I worry that we are in for a long season of hard.
Sometimes when I think about what I’m worried about it doesn’t make sense-I worry about scenarios that probably won’t ever happen or scenarios that I have no control over, I know this. I tell myself this. But anxiety doesn’t make sense. It takes over (I told you guys, I’m on the spectrum too 😬 Kyle definitely gets it from me) and I can’t help but worry and stress! It’s awful.
So as Monday is fast approaching I’m trying to talk myself through the anxiety…again. I’m telling myself it will be tough come Monday morning. But Im also telling myself we will get through it. It’s just probably gonna be hard…again. I’m *trying*to reassure my anxiety ridden self that I can do this. That Kyle can do this. That no matter what happens on Monday morning Kyle will be ok. I will be ok. I’m looking forward to a change in seasons, an easier season….hopefully sooner than later. A season with less anxiety for both of us. 💙
Ps James has another business trip on the calendar for September. Heaven help me. 🙏🏻The anxiety has already started! 😰 who wants to come muscle Kyle on the bus? 💪🏻