This morning sucked…again. Kyle didn’t even make it out the front door. He sat on the couch and refused to stand. When I physically tried to get him up, he moved to the floor. I gave up sooner this time. I didn’t have the fight in me only to be defeated. So I waved Janine to go ahead to school and we’d meet her there.
Once again I couldn’t control my tears. Once again my 13 year old won the fight against getting on the bus. I told Kyle to get into the car in a very stern and serious voice. He knew I was mad. As soon as he knew the bus was gone he stood up and walked to the car. I got him buckled in and slammed his door shut.
Whitney was inside eating her breakfast, I ran upstairs to wake the boys up to come sit with their sister while I drove Kyle to school. I tried not to let them see me crying…again. But I could barely form the words to tell them I would be back in an hour. The boys shot out of bed, didn’t ask questions and were at Whitney’s side as I ran out the door.
The whole way to the school I sobbed, not just cried. I was so mad at that stubborn boy in my back seat. Why can’t he just get on the damn bus?! Why can’t he just make my life a teeny bit easier by getting on the bus? Why?
Most of today I have spent feeling sorry for myself. And thinking about how awful this morning went. And how I don’t want to do this anymore. And how I just want to give up. And how upset I am that God didn’t help me. Several friends have text me to check on me, and my texts back to them were all how horrible today has been and how my faith is gone and how could God not answer MY prayers? My oldest brother called to check on me and I couldn’t even talk to him I just cried. Anytime I thought about the situation, tears would form.
Then tonight as I sat with my kids at the dinner table (eating cafe rio cuz last night we had chic fil a, cuz I am barely functioning so cooking is out of the question-plus it’s taco Tuesday) all of them laughing, I even joined in a few times. I stopped and started to reflect on the day and tried to think of something positive that happened today (I often do this on hard days) And when I started to think about the positive,suddenly my outlook on the day began to change.
When I was waiting at the school this morning kyles sweet teacher who arrives early came to my car and asked Kyle if he wanted to walk in with her. The busses weren’t there yet and she didn’t have to do that. But she did. And you know what? Kyle walked into school without me needing my brother to muscle him in! He didn’t ride the bus this morning. BUT he walked into school without a fight. And that’s a positive.
I got home from taking taking Kyle and Ethan was on the floor playing dolls with Whitney. She loves her big brother so much. She follows him around when he’s home and when he’s gone she asks when he’ll be home. Ethan got up off the floor to eat breakfast and of course Whitney wanted (2nd) breakfast. She picked the same cereal as him and sat with a big smile eating next to him this morning. Watching them interact is so awesome as a mom. I’m grateful for the bond she is creating with him. And that’s a positive.
I had to go to the grocery store this morning and asked whitney if she wanted to go. Of course she wanted to stay with Ethan. So I thought I was going alone. But Cody sat up from the couch and asked if he could go (he NEVER wants to go shopping). We got into the car and I thanked him for going with me. He responded with “you’re having a hard time mom, I don’t want you to have to be alone”. Be still my heart. He and Justin have checked on me all day. Asking me if I need anything. Playing with Whitney. Texting me. I am so grateful for my boys who love and care for me and can see when their mom is hurting and try to make it better in any way they can. And that’s a positive.
Most of the time, I try to look for the good in hard situations with Kyle. Because it’s what keeps me afloat. It’s what keeps me hopeful for tomorrow. This hard season with Kyle is definitely one of THE hardest. Its an emotional roller coaster of very few good days and a lot of really hard bad days. But I know I have to do better at picking out the blessings on those really hard bad days because that is what’s gonna get me through this really hard season.
I am grateful tomorrow is a new day. I am grateful for my kids(even Kyle who is definitely my least fav right now 😏) because they give me reason to get up tomorrow and try again.