I go to bed every night, with my alarm set for 5:30am. But every morning my eyes shoot open at 4:30 without fail. And my anxiety starts. I’ve always struggled with anxiety but after having Kyle it increased (James is seriously the best for having to deal with me, seriously). People are always telling me to go see a dr, that I would probably benefit from anxiety medication. But I have anxiety about seeing a doctor. I have anxiety about becoming dependent on medication. I’m basically a big ball of anxiety (which is probably why I’m so sympathetic to Kyle-who’s anxiety is a 100x worse than mine if that’s possible) As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned how to talk myself through my anxiety. I’ve learned how to cope. I’ve had to learn to cope, having Kyle. So every morning from 4:30-5:30 am I toss and turn in my bed and talk myself into getting up and putting on my game face as I walk in to wake Kyle up. Never knowing exactly how the morning will go. But trying to tell myself however it goes, we will get through it. Both of us will get through it.
The last 10 days (seems like it’s been way more than 10 days) have been so hard. I never know how Kyle will react when Jorge pulls that bus up to the front of our house. Is Kyle going to stand up and walk to the bus without too much of a fight? Will he drop to the floor and refuse to stand up? Will Kyle sit on the steps of the bus and refuse to stand knowing we can’t move him? Will I give up and let him win today if he’s throwing a big enough fit? Will Jorge finally say “I’m sorry I have to go get the other kids, I’ve been here 10 min and Kyle won’t get on the bus”? Will he throw up from the anxiety? Will he scream and cry and hit himself today? Will he take his clothes off in protest this morning? These are just some of the thoughts that go through my anxiety ridden mind as he and I sit on the couch waiting for the bus; me looking out the window, Kyle playing on his iPad.
After Monday’s horrible fiasco of a morning I decided to try something that works with other transitions, saying over and over the process he will go through in hopes to ease his anxiety. I’ve found that he needs reminding of the task at hand sometimes because his anxiety takes over and he loses focus. So as we sit and wait for the bus, I drench him in oils (😬not sure if these help but I’m trying everything. And at least he smells good 🤷🏻♀️), and repeat over and over and over (maybe 50x) “first you’re going to walk on the bus with Janine and Jorge with your shirt on. Then you’re gonna buckle. Then you’re going to go get the other kids and see the park. Then you’re going to go to school. After school you’re going to ride the bus with Janine and come home and (I tell him something fun we will do when he gets home-grandmas, the pool, play with Cody etc).” I repeat this over and over until the bus comes. At this point my anxiety is pretty much through the roof. Because it’s go time! How is he going to do? But I have to mask my anxiety and put on my game face and in a calm tone to top it off (talk about self control! I really wanna panic but I can’t) tell him over and and over about walking onto the bus. I’m pretty much exhausted mentally every morning after he finally gets on the bus and drives away!
Then I worry and wonder all day how he’s doing at school. Again my anxiety takes over! Is he going to have a good day today? Bad day? When the bus pulls up, he walks down the steps so happy to see me, with his signature sideways grin! I think we are both relieved we survived another day! Janine walks out after him and usually gives me a rundown of the day. Its been a mix of, he struggled part of the day but the other part he did ok. She always leaves by saying he will get there! Which I’m always so grateful for her positivity. It keeps me going.
The last couple days have been ok days in the morning after I’ve started this new process. It is no where near him willingly walking on the bus but it’s better. I still have no idea how tomorrow will go or next week…which doesn’t help my anxiety 😏! But I’m beginning to regain my hope.
Today Kyle got off the bus and Janine followed as usual with a big grin! The first words out of her mouth were, “best day ever!” I felt myself get a little emotional as she talked about how great of a day he had! She told me how he put his head on her shoulder today and she just melted! They are starting to see my boy and starting to love him. This was the best thing to hear as Kyles mom. This means he is starting to trust them and he is feeling more comfortable with them and less anxious! He doesn’t show affection to many-so this is huge!
Good days like today don’t take away how hard everyday is with Kyle. But it makes it a little easier to wake up and face the hard again tomorrow morning.
Today as my cup begins to refill with a little bit of hope, I hope that as the days go on we have more “best day evers”! And I HOPE my anxiety lessens because waking up at 4:30am is killin’ me!