Kyle goes through “seasons” of really hard and “seasons” of really good. And it’s constantly changing. It’s usually when I think things are going great, when I think we have his medication combo perfect, when I think his anxiety is manageable, or when his behaviors seem to be at bay….he throws me a curve ball. And the “season” changes. Sometimes I know why and sometimes I don’t.
Right before this last school year ended he was doing awesome. I was confident with Erika transitioning out and me going into summer with not much support. I knew that starting high school was a big change but I was confident in my knowledge of how to approach the change with Kyle. I was confident that I would be able to power through the change. I prepared as best as I could and went in full of hope. Maybe I was too hopeful.
Every morning I wake up with hope that the morning will run smoothly. And every morning it is hard, but we make it through…barely. This morning was really hard, hard like that first day of school hard, I wasn’t sure we were going to make it. I was ready to say forget it again. I was ready to throw in the towel. If it wasn’t for the bus aide Janine who encouraged me to keep trying, I would have said forget the bus. Finally after 15 min (worse than the first day) we got him on the bus still screaming and shirtless. As the bus finally pulled away, I felt the hope leaving me just about the same time the tears started to flow.
I began summer with my cup full of patience, hope, energy, positivity, and a teeny bit of excitement for the changes. My cup empties out a little bit more every day. Not only are school days hard but weekends seem to be even harder. With no end in sight. After this morning I feel like my cup spilled its last drop. I feel like I am running on empty.
I have tried everything to relieve Kyle of the anxiety he is experiencing. Pictures of the tasks he has to do so he knows what to expect. He smells like a bottle of essential oil from all the oils I drench him in-I even purchased a teeny bottle people raved about for anxiety costing me $135 😬. I’ve tried doing joint therapy. I’ve tried bribery! All of this to no avail. Everyday is still hard. Hard on him. Hard on me. Emotionally I feel exhausted. I feel sad for him but at the same time I can’t help but feel so frustrated when he is screaming and crying and refusing to stand up to get on the bus. Every. Single. Day. Why can’t he just get on the bus?!
I’m trying to tell myself that things will get better with time. That this “season” will end. And that I will be stronger for it (ha.ha.) That there is purpose and some sort of lesson to be learned in this. I’m trying to remain hopeful. But I’m starting to doubt all of it. I know that things could be worse but I also know things could be better. Why can’t I have better? I just want a break. A break from hard.