Yesterday was probably one of the hardest days with Kyle. Not because he puked. Not because he cried a lot. Not because he took his shirt of and wouldn’t let me put it back on. I would take all of that a million times over what I felt yesterday. I felt helpless. I felt scared. I felt anxious. I felt weak. I felt sad. I felt like I’d failed Kyle.
Last night I finally got up out of my bed and washed my swollen face that had mascara smeared across it from all my tears, around 8:30. I was still crying as I washed my face. I couldn’t stop the pain I was feeling. I walked downstairs to a dark living room and sat on the couch and just prayed. I begged that I would have the strength to do this again tomorrow. I prayed that Kyle would be less anxious. I prayed that I would know how to comfort my poor boy. I prayed that things tomorrow would be easier for Kyle. I didn’t sleep much. But every time I woke up-pretty much every hour. I found myself praying. Please let tomorrow be easier for Kyle. Please give him the comfort he desperately needs. Please make it easier on him. I even remember at one point asking if it was at all possible to let me take on extra anxiety if that meant he would be free from it.
5:30 finally rolled around, it was a long night for me. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. But I woke up and kept telling myself I needed to stay strong for Kyle. I got dressed and walked into his room to wake him up not sure exactly how this would go. I opened his curtains like I normally do, and laid next to him and put my arm around him. I felt myself beginning to cry. I pulled it together and told him it was time to get up. He woke up and we had our normal back and forth conversation…he tells me “eat”and I tell him ok he has to go downstairs. So on and so forth. He didn’t seem like he did last night. He seemed much calmer. Keeping the normal routine was what I kept feeling I was supposed to do.
He came down and we did the normal morning routine. He didn’t protest. Not even once. He was better than on a normal day! I found myself praying every step of the way. Please let him be ok. Please don’t let me cry if he isn’t ok. Please help me to be strong.
As he always does after breakfast he walked over to his drawer, that has his pictures and some toys, and pulled out the bus picture and the picture of his new teachers. I didn’t want to acknowledge it…I was scared it would make him anxious or cause him to start a meltdown! But he didn’t. He pointed at all the teachers and I named them and he smiled. Then he pointed at the bus and smiled. I was shocked.
After he was dressed, we walked over to the window and waited. We talked about the bus. Whitney was awake now so she was talking to him about school and the bus! He was excited and didn’t seem to be upset at all. The bus pulled up at 6:21 and Kyle skipped out to the bus ahead of me with his sideways grin! He was at the bus doors before they opened! The bus driver opened the doors and he was on the bus and in his seat before his bus aide had walked to the bus from her car! He let the bus driver buckle him in while I talked to Janine. He waved goodbye and the bus was off in less than 2 min from the time he hopped out our front door.
I turned around and let out a sigh of relief and high fived James at the front door, that he didn’t even have to come out of! This was truly a miracle. I was on the verge of tears the entire morning and felt that if anything went south I was going to breakdown. But nothing went south. Nothing.
My prayers were heard. Every single one of them. Friends had text after I posted last night, saying they were praying for us. Those were heard too. Prayer is something I rely on daily to get me through my days. But last night, I was begging and pleading. And He heard. He knew I needed a tender mercy. And this morning was just that, a tender mercy. I am so grateful.
Kyles teacher called me at the end of the day to let me know how the day went (how amazing and lucky to have a teacher who will do this? I’m telling you, special ed teachers are truly remarkable people). She said the morning was great but the afternoon was a little rough. He threw up. All over her! She laughed about it (bless her)! This was hard to hear but I was able to get through the conversation without crying! Another tender mercy.
I know that this is all part of Kyle getting used to a new routine with new people. I know that things will get better with time. I know that there will probably be more bad days in the near future. But I also know that Kyle and I can do this….even though it’s so hard. I know that my prayers are heard. And I know that I am given tender mercies as a way of telling me He’s listening. And I am so grateful.