I’m writing this as I lay in my bed my eyes wet, and my heart physically aching. Today was rough. I knew it would be hard. I prepared myself for it, I thought I did. I went into today with a positive but realistic attitude. But like everything with Kyle…even with all the preparation in the world, it’s still hard. And my mama heart is hurting.
I went to bed last night full of anxiety mixed in with a little excitement. I had Kyle’s lunch packed. A note to his teacher all ready to go. The pictures of the bus and the new teachers out and ready to prep Kyle. I didn’t sleep much knowing the morning would be rough. But I was ready to power through it!
I woke Kyle up bright and early at 5:30! He wasn’t excited but didn’t protest. We went through the normal morning routine and he didn’t put up any more of a fight than usual. After he was dressed and ready to go, we sat on the couch looking out the window waiting and talking about the bus. He nervously laughed and seemed to be ok. He even signed “please” when I mentioned the bus! I tried to hide my nervousness the best I could do so Kyle wouldn’t feed off my emotions-which he often does! I did a dang good job!
The bus arrived right on time-6:21. James and I walked Kyle out who immediately ran to the back of the bus and into the street! 🙈 James corralled him back to the bus doors where I was meeting his bus aide, Janine. She is a lady around my moms age who was extremely nice which gave me comfort! The bus driver, Jorge had a big smile and “hi” to greet his new student who was less than enthusiastic about getting on that big bus (which was empty-Kyle was the first pick up). We somehow got Kyle up and in, where he took his shirt off and threw it out of the bus. 🙄 It took several attempts and bribery of candy to get it back on. Then came the seatbelt-everytime we buckled it, he unbuckled it. Once again bribery came into play along with Janine having to hold onto his hands.
As we struggled through getting Kyle settled I was talking him through all the steps and reassuring him he was fine. He motioned for my hand and for me to sit next to him several times. My heart broke every time. The look of panic in his eyes was almost enough for me to say, “Forget it! Come back inside! You never have to go to school!” But I know I can’t do that. And I was being so strong! So when he was calm enough I walked out of the bus. He began to cry and the bus drove off. It was so hard. So hard.
I got back in and was able to keep it together. I paced back and forth in my house thinking about my baby boy who’s world has been rocked again and was scared and anxious. All I wanted do was make it stop for him. But I can’t do that.
Kyles sweet teacher text me updates throughout the day that he was doing fine. She sent me a picture even! I have a friend who also works in a different classroom that sent me a picture too and sweet reassuring texts throughout the day. As the day progressed, I was feeling much better! I even thought wow! That wasnt horrible! He didn’t even throw up! I was excited and looked forward to seeing him get off the bus with his cute sideways grin!
At 2:00, whitney and I were out front to greet Kyle and the bus! He was so excited to see us, and hopped out of the bus and ran inside to get his iPad! I talked with the bus aide, Janine for a few minutes outside. She said the bus ride to school was rough but not awful. She said he had a few hiccups at school but overall a good day. She reassured me that things would get better when he got to know them. I agreed and we said our good byes.
Kyle was happily on his iPad and asked to eat (normal-he eats a snack after school). He ate his snack and drank some juice. I was on cloud nine! Thinking today was hard and tomorrow might be a little harder but this was do-able for sure!
About 3:30, Kyle started crying upstairs and spitting a lot. Which is code for he’s gonna puke. He wandered downstairs still whining 😩 I asked him if he needed to throw up and he immediately went to the sink and vomited. This was not extremely unusual…except he didn’t have anything to be anxious about. He was upstairs. No one was here. It was fairly quiet. My mind started thinking, is he sick? Did he get heat exhaustion on the bus? What the heck.
This went on for the better part of an hour. I began to realize he was having an anxiety attack. Nothing I did would calm him down. He began to pace. He started looking out the window and saying bye (I’m assuming to the bus). He kept throwing up. He asked for a bath where he still threw up. His anxiety was almost palpable. At this point I started to cry. I couldn’t help my son. I can usually calm him down. I can usually talk him down from throwing up in an anxiety ridden situation. I can usually fix things when it comes to Kyle. I couldn’t fix this. I felt helpless.
After the bath I got him dressed in shorts, closed his curtains so it was dark and we both laid on his bed. He watched the Bee movie while I silently sobbed. I tried to comfort him by rubbing his arm like I usually do as I sniffled, but he clearly wasn’t relaxing. My mom was dropping Cody off and came up and saw my swollen eyes and told me she’d take over. Thankfully Kyle liked that idea and snuggled up to grandma.
I walked into my room and crawled into my bed and continued to cry. And that leads us to right now. As I lay here I am sad. Sad that I can’t make Kyle not hurt. I’m sad that I can’t make kyles life easier. I’m sad that in order for Kyle to get used to this new school he has to continue to go which means he has to continue to suffer. I am sad that he can’t catch a break and everything is so much harder for him. I’m sad that I can’t take the anxiety of new situations away. I’m so sad that my baby boy is suffering. If I could go through it all for him I would in a heart beat.
There are many times that I’m ok with how “unfair” things are for Kyle. For me. Today is really hard to be ok with how unfair it is for us. I just want to make the pain go away for both of us. But I know I can’t do that. So instead, I’m gonna go somewhere quiet and pray hard, harder than I have before, that the pain will lessen and that Kyle and I will have the strength to do this again tomorrow. I have to be hopeful, right?